Feeling Better

Had my appointment and made a couple more, thank goodness. I'm glad I got to talk everything out because just as I expected in the back of my mind I just slightly overreacted. Apparently my son is very intelligent, manipulative, controlling and VERY strong willed. She said that empathy and sympathy start to be formed right around now but if I am that concerned to just keep an eye on him. She asked me several questions that led me to believe I indeed once again was overreacting. It's all because I think I'm a terrible mother but that is getting better as well.
Saturday we did an active potty training day which resulted in him sitting on the toilet for about 5 1/2 hours. For the most part he did this willingly. Don't get me wrong he got to stand up and walk around but I knew the second I put the diaper on him he would go. He held it in and only had a little pee. As I said VERY strong willed. During this time my little girl pooped on the potty. Just great. It was a little bit of luck and she is in no way ready to be potty trained but I don't think she is going to give me a big fight about it. Potty training is a huge controlling force for him and he will just not give it up. Yesterday I was able to get him first thing in the morning to pee. He held it in for about 1/2 an hour and finally peed a little bit. I had no intentions of another 5 hour battle so that was it for the day. Instead we made him change his own diaper. He has to take off his pants dump any solids into his potty, wipe his own behind, flush and then put his own diaper and clothes back on. I'm hoping he gets tired of doing all of that and finally just decides he is ready. Of course, I hope I don't have the child that can't go to Kindergarten because he is 6 and still not potty trained. I know that it has prevented him from moving up to the next class which is sad but I just don't know what else to do.

But I'm not in that dark sad mood anymore. I'm chalking it up to hormones. I've been keeping track of how PMS and my period affects my mood so I can be more proactive and less reactive about things. Really, how dorky did that just sound LOL!

Off the Grid

Well I have fallen off the grid for a while. I've had a whirlwind of things going on some good, some bad and some very very confusing. Lot's of birthdays and reunions, brunches and parties. I've managed to still keep the pounds from coming back even though my eating habits have been very naughty. I guess that means that they weren't as bad as I think.
A couple of weeks ago I completely missed a therapy session. I just forgot, my husband forgot and the office didn't even call me to let me know that I was late. I have the appointments on the same day at the same time booked through until April. Of course it could be that she cancels on me so much it just felt right not to have an appointment. Then of course the following week the office calls to not only cancel my appointment but to also let me know she will no longer be working that night or the next night and will only be working one day and all of my future appointments are canceled. Great. Now you're thinking I should probably go see someone else. I've been seeing her for 5 months. I don't think I have it in me to completely start over again with someone new. The thought of it just drains me. I hate repeating myself and it would really just set all of my progress back. It just sucks. The first appointment I was able to schedule was for the end of April. Great. However, they called a couple of nights ago and told me she was coming in tonight and would I like an appointment. Let's see, wait almost 8 weeks or go now, duh! I desperately need this appointment there is so much going on with not just me but my son as well.
I love my son I really do. Something is wrong with him. He is a difficult child to say the least. I know that I am a terrible mother. I really suck at it and I would love to take full responsibility for his behavior because I know that if I was finally able to figure out what to do right then he would be okay. Outside of the home everyone just loves him. They think he's funny and helpful and charming. At home he is completely defiant, angry and demanding. At first I figured it was due to me and my issues and he acts this way because in some ways I act that way. I was sure it was all me since he never acted this way towards anyone else. Yesterday I received a letter from school, they would have called but lost power. He threw a fit and hit his teacher and carried on for a while afterward all because he didn't get a good seat at snack time. My husband keeps saying it's not that bad and has lead me to believe that I may be over reacting. Well I dread days when I know I'm home all day with my son. I dread picking him up from school I dread knowing that my husband is working late and I'll have to handle him for a couple more hours than expected. I know, I am an awful mother.
I know something is wrong. He's the only child that doesn't get happy to see his parent walk through the door to pick him up at school. Actually he ignores me and the fact that I'm there. It breaks my heart. My son lacks empathy, sympathy, compassion and remorse. He doesn't care that he hurts someone's feelings. I don't think he understands or even cares that he hurts someones feelings. I don't think he understands someone being sad I don't think he has ever been sad. He just gets angry when the situation isn't what he wants. He is very good at saying he is sorry. It sounds very much like he is and he tells me what he did wrong but deep down I don't think he cares. It's almost robotic when he lists the things he did wrong and the effort of saying sorry is not to redeem himself but to get out of the corner or get out of his room.
I don't really know what age they are suppose to understand all of this type of thing but I'm thinking that maybe he should by now. I try to think back to when he was a baby and wonder if there were signs and signals I missed.
Maybe I'm just over reacting as I normally do. I mean he doesn't torture our pets and think of devious ways to hurt his sister, at least not yet. I don't know but as you can see I really need this appointment tonight.