Getting Better

Other than both my kids being sick with slight fevers this past week and being a little crankier than usual everything is getting better. I have seen improvement in Damien's behavior which started about 4 days after the medication. I can't go by the last couple of days because of this virus he has but it is crankiness and not opposition so I can deal with it. Ava was cranky as well with a fever and she has 3 teeth coming in strong. One of them is just starting. I can't wait for them to cut through to give the poor kid a break.

On the getting better side Damien is laughing and smiling more. He plays more with more imagination and creativity and he asks for things instead of demanding. I didn't realize how unhappy and negative he was until he wasn't anymore. Ava spent the first full night in her toddler bed last night. We tried it in the beginning of the week but she woke up with a fever so my husband brought her back into our bed. I definitely think he was a little sad for her to go into her bed and misses her more than I do. As much as I loved her little warm butt tucked up next to me I wanted my bed back. She did very well and only woke up twice looking for me but then went right back to sleep. She was just checking to make sure we were still there.

Our new puppy will be coming home around the middle of August. I'm so excited yet nervous because I don't remember how to raise a puppy. You would think I would remember but 7 1/2 years and to kids later I seem to need a refresher course. I'm sure it will come back to me. The advances in the food are amazing. I think I'm going to due Natures Variety raw and instinct diet. I had to warn my husband that if he sees a hamburger patty defrosting in the refrigerator not to eat it before asking what it is. It's a little on the expensive side but after buying food for 2 huge dogs I think it evens itself out or is even cheaper. We decided to name him Parker. Now I just have to sit down and make a list of everything I'm going to need and do some shopping!

Just Great

The last few weeks have been just plain awful and todays about to get even worse. It 's got nothing to do with me either. Other than the things I've been dealing with I've been feeling great with respect to my OCD and anxiety.

First let me start of with Damien. After a few episodes at school and a discussion with his teachers we took Damien to a child psychiatrist. I felt, for sure, that he also has some type of anxiety disorder considering both of his parents have it. It turns out that he has ODD with stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The big clues were that he refuses to potty train, take naps and has issues with authority figures. Yes he too is now on medication. I feel like such a failure. You can't help it. After looking it up I realized (and so did the doctor) that we were doing everything to text book accuracy in respect to dealing with the issue but nothing was working. Please don't think we are doing this to be lazy and not do more work with the issue. We are doing this to have a happy child. How can a child be happy saying no and being negative towards everything. Not to mention the issues that he would have as he becomes older and probably never graduating from highschool because of this. He would never be able to hold a job because he would never be able to work for anyone. What will happen when his peers suddenly have roles of authority in his life. I know to someone on the outside of this it sounds ridiculous but when your child refuses to hold your had in parking lots and runs into traffic you start to rethink things. I'm not a fan of the medication thing and I even refused medication for myself for quite sometime but I couldn't live with the consequences of not stopping this behavior early before even more serious issues occur. I have seen terrible parents wind up with wonderful children so it can't just be bad parenting. I am not covering anything up or making things easier for me, believe me I still have to deal with normal parenting issues. He's not a little zombie or robot that just does what he is told. He's starting to turn into that bright, funny, sweet little boy that I know that's in there.

On to more bad news. A few weeks ago I had to euthenize Eve and Magilla. Eve had a huge tumor growing out of her eye. Four days after it started from a pimple size it increase to larger than golf ball size. They kept telling me it was allergies or an infection but after years of treatments and antibiotics it was apparently not what it was. Magilla also had issues of vomiting after every meal and urinary issues. Keep in mind that this has been for 4 years straight. This last time he had a really bad UTI. I gave him medication then had him on a course of Cosequin and natural maintenance for it for over 3 months. He then starting urinating on all of my childrens toys, clothes, bedding and all over my kitchen counters. My last option was prednisone which basically would have destroyed his liver in about 6 months.

If that isn't enough I've notice strange behaviors in my dogs which can only be described as depression. My one just nervous easily and I can't explain it exactly but is just not herself. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed that they were starting to become a little cranky with each other and had a couple of little spats. Then a couple of days ago they had a little fight and teeth marks were involved. Yesterday they had such a huge fight that my FIL and BIL came rushing over from next door because they thought the dogs were fighting a bear and heard me yelling. My children witnessed it and became hysterical and now my son is terrified. He is already afraid of them and won't walk past them even though we have shown that he won't be hurt by them. Do I wait until they rip each other apart in front of my children? They were fighting over me, which was one of the triggers the last time as well. They are 7 year old pitbulls and the idea of rehoming them is almost ridiculous. Who is going to take them. I already had an appointment with the vet for their yearly exam which is now turning into something devastating. Call me Hitler because I feel like an evil, awful, not even human being.

I am so stressed out right now I can't even see straight. Please don't judge me too harshly because no one can do that more than I'm doing it to myself right now.

Ants in My Pants

That's what I feel like lately. I'm only slightly obsessive but very restless lately and sometimes I can't focus on what it is I need to do. I don't know if it's because I can't decide or I just don't realize that I'm obsessing and I'm stuck. It's not that bad but just enough for me to notice. At least now I'm able to work through it quickly.

On the potty training front that has, unfortunately, stopped. After 15 accident and realizing that he did not care that he was sitting in his own poop and pee, I figured he just was not ready. About a week later he was constipated and went and sat on the potty and pooped all by himself. I think at least the concept had been introduced. It wasn't just the accidents but more the fact that I couldn't handle it any more thanks to OCD and control issues. I was making him act out because I was a little crabby and angry. It took about a week to get him back to normal (and me) My son is extremely sensitive to my behavior apparently. I still see some problems and I even got a call from the school. He seems to have authority issues and will be seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation. I think he may either have OCD as well (it comes from both sides of the family) or he could just be a victim of bad parenting. I just want to do whatever I can so he can become a healthy adult and not waste all of his time fixing himself after the fact.

I look back and see all of the time and opportunities I wasted. I did speak to someone when I was in college. Actually I went and saw two different doctors at two different times and no one caught that there was something wrong. They accounted it to be that I was just was lazy in school or everything had to do with my mother and brother dying in the car accident. I don't deny that had some to do with it but obviously that was not my only issue. I really hope my children don't have to go through that as well.

Mommy takes the prize.

My son refused to let me change his diaper yesterday so I asked him, "What would you do if there were no more diapers?" to which he replied, "I would use the potty". Oh really! Well that is all I needed to hear because off came the diaper and into the garbage. We did save some for the night time but that's it. No more diapers and I just don't care anymore. Really I already have to clean up poop and pee and I have all wood floors. I have a couple of inexpensive area rugs and a spot bot bissle compact carpet cleaner so I am good to go.

I took off his diaper and just let him walk around naked. He cried for about an hour. He went to the bathroom and twice asked me to come in with him. I walked out both times after 15 minutes because he wasn't doing anything. I put the baby down for a nap and left him on the couch watching something on tv, hoping he would take one as well and hopped on my computer for some kid free zone time. It got very quiet and I didn't even know he wasn't on the couch until he came out of the bathroom and said mommy I pooped on the potty! I checked and sure enough there it was, a big poop in the potty. You would have thought I won a billion dollars. I immediately called the school and without hesitation she said bring him in underwear tomorrow. They were just as excited as I was.

Of course then I put him in underwear and he peed on himself. Not a lot so maybe it was a little accident but I don't care I realize this is my only option left.

Meeeedication now - come on! (sing in tune with the song "Celebration")

So I have been on medication now for 2 1/2 weeks I think and I have been feeling fabulous. I can't help but think am I manic now or is this how normal people feel for the most part. I am happy most of the time. I wake up happy and smiling and I go through my day smiling. No more fits of anger for no reason and I am calm and patient. Life is great. I still have some social anxiety. I walk around feeling like I'm a big dork most of the time but hopefully that will lessen in time. Well I still might actually be a big dork but I would like to become oblivious to it.

There was a fiasco about the medication just the other day. There's nothing like a shrink making his patient feel crazy. I refilled one medication for the 3rd time and the other two medications a second time. He increased my dosage at a previous session and then needed to prescribe more at this last one. However in his head he was calling it one medication and writing it out for another. When I picked up the prescription this time he had written it out for what he was calling it. Confusing right? Not as confusing as me trying to explain the mistake to him, the pharmacist, and the receptionist at the shrinks office, who was I think the root of the problem. I wish I could pull the "conversation log" out of my head so you could see, how the people trying to help me, were actually making me seem crazier than I am. Everything is now correctly prescribed and the pharmacy even took back the medication.

Okay, I'm off to start the rest of my day - with a smile!