I want my TV back! and the biopsy results. (edited from earlier)

Okay so I've been sitting here since last Monday with no TV. Granted I've been able to get lots of stuff done but now there is nothing to do. I've been half tempted to open some of the kids Christmas gifts to play with. I know that we shouldn't need TV but I would like to watch the news or watch a movie. I think Kung Fu Panda was on ppv. Let's face it, it is also a nice distraction for the little one so I can cook diner without little fingers in the way of flames or knives and I can go to the bathroom by myself. With no TV I must now provide CONSTANT entertainment for my 3 year old which is much harder than it sounds. Remember I still have a 1 year old hanging off of me that needs constant attention too. Okay and so maybe I want to watch some TV too. I'm just looking for half an hour to an hour is that really so bad?

EDITED: Okay so the TV was fixed. Yippie. The biopsy results came back positive for cancer but the good news is that they did not find any cancerous cells in the surrounding tissue so the biopsy itself removed all of the bad cells. So I am okay, a little nerve wracked from hearing that though.

Dark Places

First let me mention that I am completely hormonal to top everything off. It took me a while to figure out that part of the reason I'm in a bad spot right now is due to PMS. PMS sucks! Now that that is out of the way I'm in a very dark place right now because I think I'm going through a mid life crisis. I feel fat and old and frumpy and I feel used up and done with. I know I know, I'm still only in my 30's and life doesn't end but I feel like there is nothing left to accomplish for me. I feel like it's just too late. Partly it's because I think I've decided that I don't want anymore children. That could change at any moment but right now I feel like I need to live some sort of existence for me as well as them. A very tiny part of me wants to just run away and live like a free spirit. I must get that from my mom. No I'm not that selfish I would just get up and leave my husband and children but now you see why for me this is a dark place. Just to entertain this thought scares me. How could I be such an awful person to even think this. But where did I go. What happened to all those wasted years of who I could have been. Oh yes I was young and stupid and I wasted a whole shitload of time and now I can never have it back. Of course I don't want to go back and do it over again and be that person. I want to go back with all of the knowledge I have now. See, midlife crisis earlier than expected. I'm hoping as the PMS subsides so will all this awful feeling of shame and regret.

This is also why I always feel like I'm going crazy. On the outside if you were sitting down with me having coffee or something you would never in a million years know this was going through my head. I keep it all in and look perfectly normal but on the inside it's like a tornado trampling through my brain driving me crazy. In case any of you are wondering, yes I have therapy tonight and not a moment too soon!

Where's Waldo

I have been so behind on everything lately. If there was a time to get really sick this was definitely NOT it. Thanksgiving was great until I woke up at 2 am with chills and a 104 fever that lasted for 3 days. Then it went down and right back up again to 102. something. By Tuesday I finally could lift my head and now I'm doing great. For almost a week straight I had no strength to do anything. I could barely sit up. At least this time I didn't get Bell's Palsy. My face still has not completely recovered from the last time. I really miss my smile. I had my godson's 5th birthday on Saturday and it just doesn't stop until after Christmas.

Anyhow now that I'm behind I have to catch up on all of my computer things, make ornaments for my tree (I thought paper things would be safer this year), get ready for Ava's party on Saturday (will make sure to get pictures of her very red Chinese New Year theme), finish Christmas shopping, wrap gifts, go to therapist (she keeps canceling due to illness), go get biopsy from derm, make dentist appt., get mammogram, get rabies shot for cats, celebrate Christmas again on the 27th, New Years, and then just anguish until spring so I can play golf again. Anyone else exhausted. I'm sure there are a bazillion more things that will come up in the next week or two oh yes I forgot, I have a doctors appointment for Ava during all this as well. It's only 2 weeks. Okay now my head is spinning and I'm slowly starting to freak out, my therapist better not cancel on me tonight, I NEED my session.