So I Went to the Dermatologist Yesterday

I really went because I'm very hormonal and my skin is freaking out. Mostly with pigmentation not acne. This is the first time I'm not going to the dermatologist for acne, gosh I'm getting old. Apparently the doctor felt the same way and started rattling off suggestions of retinoids, botox and restalyn. Well I can't do any of the above since I'm still nursing but I did come home with a prescription of some type of cream used for rosacea that will help my dispigmented face. Let me tell you, my skin looks quite pretty this morning. I did have a full body scan for sun damage and I didn't expect anything, big mistake right there, and he found a spot that has to be removed. Just one and his reaction was immediate. I didn't really expect anything to be found and, me, with all the thoughts going around in my head, never added skin cancer to the list. I am still in denial and haven't considered it. I'm sure after they biopsy it, it will come back negative.

I also had my yearly gyno exam. I have to start mammograms now. When did I get to this age. I feel like I was just 16 yesterday. Where does the time go. I guess you waste so much time trying to find out who you are, by the time you do you're all saggy and hanging on the floor and you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

Huge Breakthroughs

I guess it helps that I have always been extremely introspective and aware of everything I do. It's part of the beating myself up process as well but ironically it has helped me. My therapist had me focus on my anger the past two weeks. I was to acknowledge what the triggers were and what actually physically happens to me when I get angry. Well there are two triggers. One is fear. Fear brings on panic attacks. I stop the panic attacks by getting angry. I had one of these and realize that what did happen and what could have happened are two different things (genius I know) and that I shouldn't get angry over what did NOT happen. HUGE. I was able to stop the anger. The second is my control issue/self deprecating anger. This one is the tougher one. This is were something doesn't happen the way that I have it pictured in my head. Subconsciously I believe it is because it was something that I failed at because I just can't do anything right and I will never be perfect enough to gain control of myself. It's a little hard to explain. It's not really the loss of control that bothers me it's really the idea that things didn't go the way they were expected to because I did something wrong. This is what I was told basically in those words by my parents. I'm actually kind of glad that I blame myself instead of others because if it were the other way around I would believe that there was nothing wrong with me and never gotten myself into therapy. See HUGE!

The second anger however is different because I feel this surge of adrenaline and I grab onto it. It is a drug for me. Even though I know I don't want it my body needs it. I feel the welling up of rage and it feels good even though it doesn't realistically (confusing I know). The anger allows me to punish myself and hurt myself because I'm really angry at just myself not at the person (husband) that I'm unleashing my anger on.

I was put to the "test" by my mother in law just yesterday before my session. I realized before I could get angry that she wasn't saying certain things to offend me personally (translated in my head as "I must not be worthy enough for her to recognize or accept my idea or opinion") but because she has her own issues going on inside her own head that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I felt the anger rush and was able to just let it go. Oh my god, you have no idea how ecstatic, happy, amazed and proud of my self I am.

I've always been an angry person and I've always hated it. I realize now that anger is my compulsion. I thought it was a really defective personality flaw but now I know it is something I can conquer. Told you, HUGE. My therapist recognized that I have been working really hard and believes that I will be successful in defeating the OCD beast. I just want to be the person I have always dreamed of being

Snow, Spiders and Shelves Oh My!

What to start with first. Let's start with the snow that New Jersey received on October 28, 2008. Yes October. Now this may be normal for other states but not for New Jersey. We had over 6 inches of snow. A few miles north of us had over a foot of snow. They had to close some of the major highways because we just weren't prepared. Here is a picture taken from my front door:

This is just plain wrong! Beautiful but wrong.

Next are the crappy pictures I took in Halloween. I finally learned how to use my camera and apparently I need lessons on how to focus. I can't move that fast to figure everything out and get great shots but oh well I'll have to break out the costumes and do a re-shoot I guess.

Damien as Spiderman

Ava as a spider

The Spider and Spiderman together

The Spider Witch and the Bug

And here is what happen when I turn my back for 30 seconds. Mind you the little one instigated this. Is it obvious why the bottom 3 shelves are bare to begin with?

I actually had this post ready 2 days ago but Photobucket and Blogger sometimes do not play well together and it wouldn't put the correct size photos up. It used to work just fine but now I haven't a clue. I found what works though so now I know for next time unless they fix it. I tried in both firefox and IE. Technology sucks.