No Catchy Title Here

I don't have half a brain left to come up with something witty to title this entry with. Therapy is going well. My therapist actually told me she looks forward to my sessions. Should I take that as a compliment? I've always been very introspective so to a psychologist my progress is amazing. Usually they don't get anywhere in a few short weeks. Apparently I'm doing my therapy backwards but it still works. Most people in my situation start with medication and then work on behavioral therapy. I've pretty much got everything out into therapy so I figure once medication starts voila, I'll be normal. Being angry and fearful all the time really takes its toll on you. My body is wonky right now to begin with due to hormonal changes I'm sure. My face is breaking out like I'm 15 again and my hair is all frizzy. My nails look great all of a sudden though. I'm waiting for my period to come back and you know it will come back with a vengeance during the middle of the day in a crowded place while I'm wearing light colored pants and no available protection. Just you watch, it will happen!

I'm starting to wean my little peanut but it is breaking my heart. I still have a couple more months but then the baby stops and the toddler starts. I don't know now if we will have a third child and it is a little sad. My daughter has started to drink from a sippy cup. It reminds me of scenes from the movie Airplane!, at least I think it was that movie. Someone has a drinking problem and the problem is that liquid doesn't get into their mouth. If you've never seen the movie then I know I've just lost you. Anyhow, she lifts of the cup sucks a whole bunch down and then smiles as it all dribbles back out of her mouth. Doesn't quite have the hang of it but proud of her self none the less.

Just wanted to give a little update. Next post will be pictures of the OVER 6 INCHES OF SNOW we got in OCTOBER. Crazy! And of course pictures of the kids in their Halloween best. I will be going as a witch so sorry no costume for me.

Beating My Head Against the Wall

Or so I would like to. First let me just say that Ava I believe is teething. She has had a slight fever the past couple of days and is immensely cranky. I feel bad for her because she must be feeling miserable. I was exhausted going to bed on Friday night and actually fell asleep before 11:30 pm. For me that's huge. Of course, I woke up at 4am because I felt that Ava was very warm. Got up gave her medicine and went back to sleep. I slept until almost 9. You would think that I wouldn't be tired. Well I was. 11pm last night I was exhausted again. I just had to stay up to watch the first half hour of SNL. So midnight the baby and I head off to sleep. Poor thing still has a fever and, you can tell just feels crappy. I wasn't able to fall asleep. As tired as I was I couldn't fall asleep. My thoughts have been really bad the past couple of weeks and last night it was just spiraling. I kept drifting off and then a thought, not a dream, would jolt me awake. Finally, just before 2am I fell asleep. Then I woke up a 4 am. No reason just awake. I've never had this problem before. I lay there for an hour with thoughts going through my head again and by 5 am just got out of bed.

I realized how I can truly understand the thought process of what people with other conditions go through. I don't actually want to harm myself but you know how you see the crazy people portrayed on TV or in the movies beating their head against the wall? Well, I realize they do it to stop the thoughts or their thought process. I do know that this doesn't help but some times you start to feel so desperate about losing your mind that you just don't know what else to do. So you succumb to physical solutions.

I am an odd OCD type person. I have many obsessions but very few to no compulsions. I have absolutely no contamination obsessions (most people can identify OCD with this because its the germaphobic person washing their hands all the time). I just have these thoughts of horrific death or my irresponsibility causing death of others and no way to stop or subdue them. I love when people say well just stop thinking about it. Well wouldn't I LOVE to. Much of my thought process has to do with lack of self worth. I didn't even know how much I do not value myself. I have to admit that I have been binging a lot lately. I'm walking a very fine line with bulemia right now. What is stopping me is that I get it. I binge because shoving that disgusting crappy food that I wouldn't normally eat in my face and making myself fat is what I deserve because I "feel" that I deserve to be an ugly fat pig so no one will love me. After the binge you feel so sick physically and mentally at how irrational the binge was and if you perge it it will just make it all go away and you can be normal again. I even understand the people that have a need to cut. You feel all these awful thoughts going through your head and you think physical pain can stop it because you deserve to be hurt because that is all you are worth, you are only worth the pain that you cause other people. You feel this way even if it isn't true.

Keep in mind that I just understand these things not the I want to or will do them. I have a blessed life which actually makes it harder because I feel like I don't deserve it and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't get me wrong I do not walk around all day feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even realize I didn't for worthy. Its mostly subconscious. If you know me in real life you would never ever depict me this way. My main problem right now is brain wiring/chemical imbalance whatever you want to call it. So even though I have had this major break through I am still going to need medication. I am now not afraid of the medication knowing exactly what it is supposed to do for me. It is supposed to keep me from wanting to beat my head against the wall.

A Time to Share

This is a little weird for me but I wanted to share a couple of links that I shop at. No I don't get anything for giving these links but with the holidays coming if you are looking for gifts these two links are fabulous. No, they are not the cheapest places but they are well worth the money.

The first is the Candy Apple Shoppe. They use these huge Granny Smith apples which I believe they get from the farm across the street. Yes it really is that fresh. My husband has walked out with one made 10 minutes prior. It's not your typical drizzling of toppings. These things are packed! I highly recommend the "Rocky Road"

The second place is Swan Creek Candle Co. I know you are thinking what the heck do I need candles for. These candles are different. Until I purchased one of these from a local store I stopped burning candles all together. These can fill a huge room of scent. They have a bazillion scents and they have refill packages if you have your own candle holders or empty jars. All you need is a microwave. For the summer I really like the Mojito or Sun Bleached Driftwood. For the fall I have Brandied Cherries that I'm burning now. OMG! Yummy! They are Soybean wax and made in the USA and they last forever. I recommend the smaller containers so you can change scents sooner and try them all out. Then when you find the one you can't live without buy a huge one. They also give you a freebie with every order. It looks like they take into account what you've purchased and add a scent you might actually want to try. Very cool.

I almost forgot I'm editing my post to add Etsy. All things handmade and very cool. If you can't find just what you want here then forget it or ask someone yo make it for you!

Anyone have any great ideas or sites they would like to share for gift giving?