Life on the Funny Farm

Maybe I should change my blog name LOL. Yes I will always have my "unique" sense of humor no matter what I go through. If I ever lose that then you know I do truly need to be institutionalized. I think its the main reason why I portray myself to be better than I am in social situations. I have contacted a therapist who told me I need to contact my insurance, which I did so now I have to coordinate scheduling with my husband so I can make an appointment for next week. The nice thing is that my plan allows 20 outpatient visits and 30 inpatient. You can exchange inpatient for 2 outpatient, so I really have a total of 80 visits per year. If I need more than one session a week I can go (lets hope I don't need that) My copay is very high though so its not cheap but it beats paying anywhere from $125 - 250 a week. I don't know how we are going to figure this one out but lets just say Ava may be experiencing therapy before she can even talk. Hmm, this could work out for the best because you know I'm already screwing up my poor kids.

Sorry no pictures yet, I still have so many to upload but I need to get in the shower so we can go to the carnival when DH gets home.

Support and a 1st Fight Among Siblings

First I wanted to thank everyone for their concern and support. I am not on the verge of complete mental collapse but we are looking for a psychiatrist that specializes in cognitive behavior. At least that is what the recommendations are. Who knows it could be something completely different. My husband still insists that he thinks I also have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. If you really analyze every little thing I think I have a little bit of everything LOL. No hallucinations or delusions of grandeur but I could actually be missing out on the fun part there.

On a lighter note my golf lessons are going much better. I am actually hitting the ball pretty well for only doing it 5 times. I really need to buy some clubs besides a putter but I have to wait to get some money. I want to buy one of those big nets so I can hit in my backyard because to get to the driving range with my husbands schedule is just crazy. They all laughed at me yesterday because I was the only woman there trying to get away from their family for a couple of hours, that's usually what the man does. All of the other woman are doing it because they want to do what their boyfriends are doing. In all honestly I think that is a crap reason to want to do something. Why can't women just do things because they want to do them for themselves.

My children, that would be my 2 and 1/2 year old and my 6 MONTH old have started to fight over toys. Yes you read that my 6 month old actively fights her brother for toys. She grabs for something he pulls away she cries. Or she has something he takes it she cries and grabs like a maniac to get it back. 6 months old. Can you even begin to imagine what my life is going to be like in another 6 months. I better get a crack on that psychiatrist. I do have to say that for the most part they do love playing together. When Damien pays attention to her it's like the sun is shining down just for her. And he loves to interact with her on his own. Its the control issues we are going to have problems with. No pictures today because I'm noticing Damien is spinning Ava around on her belly like a top. *rolling eyes and smacking forehead*

Will keep you all posted on mental status and will get pictures for you soon.

They're Coming to Take Me Away

I'm officially going insane. After a huge breakdown today I truly realize my immediate need for a psychiatrist. Any quiet time I have I am bombarded with awful thoughts of death and dying and that when you are dead you just cease to exist and how can you just not exist anymore? It truly disturbs me. Do you see how ridiculous and overwhelming my thoughts are. No I'm not suicidal and no I am not having postpartum depression.

It started a few years ago when I would try to go to sleep I would get uncontrollable thoughts of me getting into car accidents and how scared I was at the thought that I may not be able to fix it if it was really bad and how scared I was to just end. Then it escalated to natural disasters, plane crashes, etc, etc, etc. Many of these things are completely irrational and would most likely never happen. It would usually only happen when I was trying to go to sleep but not all the time. Currently its 2 AM right now and I'm still up despite that fact I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep in the past week. Yes now it happens all the time but now its about 10 times worse. Now I have children of my own and now the thoughts include how could I live if something happened to my children or what if I know we are going to die and the last thing my children know is fear (already I'm starting to cry over the idea of this). I think about if I would have enough guts to sacrifice my own life for my children and then I get upset at the thought of something happening to me and leaving my children without a mother and then I grieve for them and hello I'm not dead. Its awful and day by day it gets worse. Now I no longer worry about having these thoughts before bed because now they happen all of the time. When I take a shower, when I am washing dishes, whenever I have down time and there isn't anything else to distract me. I realized that I take forever to get ready to go out and today I realized its a procrastination mechanism for me not to leave the house. I'm afraid that soon I will be too afraid to leave the house. Then I watched Damien eat a piece of food off the floor and started to over think the dirt on it and how maybe something was on it that could kill him and I started to have the urge to disinfect everything. You see where this could be leading right? I do know that to some extent that thoughts about all the bad things that could happen to your children are normal but I've know for a while that what I am doing is not normal. Today I finally was able to explain it to my husband and my one friend. I realize that this is why I take forever to get ready, why I am late everywhere and why I scream and freak out so much, especially with my two year old. For example, he will climb on the couch and I start to tell him to stop, he's 2 of course he doesn't listen, and then the thoughts start. If he doesn't stop jumping then he will bounce off and hit his head the wrong way and he'll die and I won't be able to save him. I feel the panic and the loss of control and my heart palpitates and my stomach goes in knots and I scream to be heard and freak him out so he just stops so he doesn't get hurt. I realize that I scream because of the feeling of loss of control. I freak out at myself, my child my husband.

I don't think you could even imagine how awful this feels. I just want to sit and not move,. Usually when I finally get my day started and leave the house I am okay and have things to distract me, but lately the thoughts hammer me all the time now. I just can't get away. I now cry all of the time because I am so overwhelmed and I can no longer help myself and if you try to talk to someone they just brush it off because your just "over-reacting". Well isn't that just the understatement of the year.

I know where it comes from thats pretty obvious. For those who may not know or would want to know I was in a car accident 22 years ago. My mother and infant brother were killed. I remember that when they came in to tell me I already knew. Not some "supernatural-my mothers spirit was saying goodbye" knowing. I could tell because of how somber everyone was and how they spoke about the "woman" and the "infant" and how quiet it was. That and the awful looks of heartbreaking pity I was getting from everyone. I was only 12 but I wasn't stupid. By the time someone finally had to get the nerve to tell me I had already known and accepted that I was going to hear that they were dead.

The one thing I don't understand is why is all of this escalating now. I assume in part because I have children now but I was not this bad with Damien. Maybe its because I have a little girl of my own now and I'm so afraid she will lose me like I lost my mother and I don't want her to feel that loss. Luckily her daddy is a much better man than my father and would never remarry a jerk like my step mother. But there I go again why should I even think about who my husband would remarry. I just want to feel whole and live life and be happy. I don't want to sit in my house and be isolated and afraid. I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN TO END UP LIKE I AM NOW.

For those of you who know me you may be a little surprised by this but I'm sorry, I was in desperate need to purge this and put it out there. I'm still here and not completely enveloped by this but I need to take action before I lose myself completely and I will not let that happen. I'm a little lost and overwhelmed right now so please keep me in your thoughts and wish me luck.

It's not appropriate right now but I have some new pics of the kiddies that I will post at another time. All this spewing and purging needs to be left to itself.

Golf, Great Book and Really Not Much Else

Nope, no one is sick physically. Mentally I think we are all infected with something. Ava is great gave her a little cereal and she loves the whole dynamics of eating. Its very cute. She is such a good little girl. Always so happy and laughing. Damien is still a little terror. Napoleon comes to mind. There are days when he never stops talking and/or moving. Yes part of me is jealous that I want that energy but for the love of god for 5 minutes just stop. He even moves and talks in his sleep. As obnoxious as he is and as bad of a parent I am I still can't believe how much this little kid loves me. He's so proud that I'm his mom. I get sad thinking that one day he'll be a teenager and hate me.

In me news, I took up golf lessons. I can put pretty well. I have another lesson tomorrow. I also upgraded my phone to a crackberry. I don't recommend it if you get addicted to gadgets hence the crackberry reference. And with the 80's gold gone I bought a new little digi camera so I've been taking a ton more pictures. Yes thats the excitement of my bourgeois life.

I did read a great book. It's called "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" by Mark Haddon. It runs along the same lines as "Catcher in the Rye" by Salinger. Its written in the point of view of a 15 year old autistic boy. Let me tell you that when you finally get to the end of the book the last two sentences pull the whole idea together and make you LOVE it. But don't spoil it and read that first because then you just won't get the same great feeling.

I will leave you off with some pictures of my cuties and for a special treat one has me in it and yes my face is STILL crooked from the Bell's Palsy.

Damien with lovely ice cream ALL OVER

A random picture that DH took.

Damien playing at the park - his most favoritest thing to do.

Little Miss Hollywood as I like to call her. If you look closely you can see me, the dork, taking the picture in the right (her left) lens.

And finally warped face me and the little one.