Losing Brain Function

Okay, this week has been not so bad. I didn't get a chance to bake but I will in the next two weeks and my project are this little cupcakes that are made to look like cherry pies. You bake cupcakes that come only 2/3 rds of the way up and then fill in the rest of the cup with cherry pie filling and then you pipe on icing to look like pie crust. Too cute. My way too skinny, supermodel SIL can't say no to cherry pie. Its the only desert she will hide from other people and hoard it all to herself. Her birthday is coming up and I needed an excuse to send these somewhere and well how perfect could it be!

I went out to lunch with her and my MIL and I kept losing track of my thoughts and when leaving I get trying to get out the wrong door. It was enough for both of them to notice and they told me that they needed to get me out more and how this baby REALLY sucked out all my brain cells. It's bad. I feel not so claustrophobic today though so that's a plus. I also have a lot more energy back. I think a lot has to do with my realization of what's really wrong with me. I always thought it was hormonal or that I was depressed but actually I have a slight case of OCD and anxiety disorder of some sort. Now when I say OCD I don't mean the germ phobic part of it I mean that need to do ritualistic habits (for really no apparent reason) to make everything "feel" okay in my world. I noticed this a while ago. I have tried to not do certain things, that in reality, would not affect life one way or another but I can't do it. For instance, because I'm sure someone reading this would be curious, when I put the laundry away all the hangers and clothes must be facing the same direction they must all be hung by color and then by lighter to darker with in each color category. Right now my closet goes from brown to ivory to white to grey to black to red to blue to green. I may change the order of the colors but I have more neutral than anything. I used to go from black to grey to blue but I couldn't handle the white not coming after the gray. Really weird I know. Anxiety too is weird for me. Its not like I have a specific fear (except for flying) and even that if I'm absolutely forced to I can do it. But I realized that when I get anxious I get angry and nasty. All this time I thought it was because I was depressed and just not happy with life. I am happy with life, I'm just scared of it. Mostly scared of irrational things that most likely wouldn't happen. Some of them are healthy fears amplified just a little too much. I feel so much better with my personal epiphany. Now I just need to learn how to deal with it. As soon as I can leave Ava with someone I will most likely see a therapist. My wonderful insurance allows me over 52 visits a year so if the therapist decides I'm really screwed up I can go a couple times a week for a few weeks. I hope everyone realizes that was a joke and I shouldn't really need more than once a week.

To celebrate my road to recovery I moved my living room furniture around. Woo Hoo! I didn't tell DH I was doing it and its really different than what we've had in the last 6 years. It was a lot of work to do by myself believe it or not but it was fun and made me happy so to me it was a big deal. I'm off to go to the garage to get my Keurig order, I splurged on lots of different flavored coffees. Its that coffee maker that makes one cup at a time. LOVE IT!!

No cupcakes today.

I'm sad. My Penzey's order didn't come. Its a spice place on the internet that I order from and I ordered some of their cocoa powder to see how it was and I was hoping it would come today. Sigh. My post office sucks! So maybe tomorrow. I keep eating the left over chocolate buttercream icing instead of practicing with it. I think my one friend is jealous because she has all the stuff to do this too and doesn't have any time. That's because she has a life and well I just don't. Don't be jealous Tara, really I'm just a sad cliche of a SAHM. I wish sometimes I was just a little more exciting. Don't get me wrong I love my love. It is a VERY good life. I just need to get out more. I think I'm starting to suffer from cabin fever and need to get outdoors.

Does anyone else get like this near the end of winter?

What was I thinking

As I stepped on the scale today for the life of me I couldn't conceive of why would I want to bake and decorate cake of all things. I am highly addicted to cake. It is my one major weakness in the world of foods that you should not eat. But as I did with smoking, I am not going to separate myself from it, I am just going to overcome it and rise above temptation. I think quitting smoking was easier. This is going to be a long, barbaric and torturous ordeal. I feel the outcome is win win though. I overcome my need to devour cake, still lose weight, and end up being able to make beautiful things to give to others. IT WILL WORK.

On another note its snowing like crazy here we are do for 3-6 inches. It was supposed to turn over to an ice mix but I'm hoping its stays snow. It's so much easier to deal with. Snow also means that we are all home together. That is a true rarity in this house. All four of us under one roof at the same time ALL DAY. Whoopee! Hence, I get extra computer time today. I also get a chance to make risotto today (do we all notice the obsession with food I have).

Cupcakes Anyone?

So here are a bunch of pictures of the cupcakes that I made. I ate only the mistakes and gave one to my son. I was only practicing with one decorator tip to see if I could handle even just the basics. Not bad for the first time I think. Of course I had to do everything in chocolate so my husand took all the ones left in the picture to work for everyone else to eat. So for my future ones we will also be passing them along so everyone else gets fat and not us.

They look yummy don't they? You know you are all running for some chocolate right now! I will start to use color icings and non chocolately stuff. My hopes is to become decent enough to make my husband a cake for his 40th next year. I plan on making the entire thing black. Evil aren't I.

Here are some pictures of Damien enjoying his

And here are some 2 month pictures of Ava who couldn't partake in a cupcake yet:

I had all of these ideas...

...in my head and then I found this blog and website and well I lost myself in the thought of cupcakes. If you are lucky enough to live in CA near her I would definitely try these. Nothing But Cupcakes I know you are wondering how I found that one. I haven't been sleeping very well and was tweaking my fancy new blog and still couldn't get tired so I sat here just hitting the next blog button.

I need a life, or therapy or something. Besides that fact, I am now on a cupcake mission. Since I can't go to CA or have CA come to me I want to try to recreate some of the flavors she has listed on her website. I'm hoping in the long run I can become a decent baker so I have something to do with my children on a rainy day and give them those sweet memories that children have of their mothers baking and of course so I can eat cake.

Ironically enough this stems from the episode of "In Treatment" I saw last night. It's a show on HBO that depicts therapy sessions between a jerk of a psychologist who's in therapy himself and his patients. Last night he had a woman on that was remembering the smell of cheesecake her mother used to bake every Friday and she would come home to that smell and it made her all warm and fuzzy inside. When her mother first passed away she would go searching for the smell hoping it would still be there. Made me want to release my inner domestic goddess for a bit and give my kids the warm and fuzzies.

New Blog - Whoopie.

Okay, so I finally set up my blog and stole a bunch of ideas from Steph - Thank you by the way even though you had no clue. I decided to vier away from any type of mommy theme or kitschy environment so when something weird pops into my head and I need to comment on it it doesn't throw off my feng shui. I will be keeping my OD account so I can keep up with those of you still writing entries there. I just felt a little confined there. I don't really know why. I'm sure it's just a mental thing. Hope you like it.