Matters of the Gray

Yup I'm Still Alive

2012-02-08T17:07:00.002-05:00

So what has been going on since October. Well we decided to go to Disney World and what a fiasco that was. I don't need to see Disney again for at least another 10 years. Then Thanksgiving with my parents in Florida. I decided I wanted to move to Florida with the rest of my family. I loved the fact it was 75 degrees at night and I was able to walk around the neighbor hood without the fear of getting smooshed by a car or attacked by a bear. Kenny was not moving to Florida. I told him his business would flourish with al the old people in nursing homes and on hospice, but alas he shot me down. He did however agree to move out of this tomb we are in now. I so hate it here. I've been saying this for years but did he listen when it was a good time to sell. Of course not. We've only been on the market for 2 weeks but he's freaking out that no one is going to buy it and will miss out on the house we've already put an offer on. For some reason I think we are going to get something pretty quickly. It's going to be lower than we hope for but I definitely think something is going to come soon. I don't know why but I'm crossing my fingers that it is more than just wishful thinking. My house is very unique so you are either going to love it or hate it. All I know is that I am sick of cleaning it. Do you know how hard it is to keep wood floors, in an open floor plan with a 4 and 6 year, spotless. It's driving me insane. I learned how gross my kids really are. Then Hubby keeps making comments like "now that it's clean and everything is fixed, I want to stay!" I immediately fly off the handle and freak out that I am not spending one more day than I absolutely have to in this place. It's just too much. It's too isolated it's too big and it's too much money and I'm just not a big house kind of person.

On the medication front D-man and I have changed doctors. He costs hundreds of dollars and doesn't take insurance. However, so far it has been worth it. My son and I have been on at least 3 different medications a piece and gone through a whole lot of configurations. I am now down to one medication for the OCD and one for the ADHD and two to sleep at night. Still can't fall asleep without help. I'm doing really well though. Other than when Hubby says stupid things I am very calm and laidback about pretty much everything. It's so weird being this way. No anxiety, no irritability so weird. And and, I'm an optimist all the time. So crazy! D-man on the other hand not as good as we hoped but we are still working on it. I've been learning to parent differently though behavioral therapy and some of the little tools I've gained have been working. Hubby needs to work on some of his skills though. The medication isn't completely working either but I just think it is a matter of increasing his dose. We shall see.

The only thing that is really bothering me now is that I'm trying to find time to do my damn roots! Ugh! They are awful. I either have to wait a few more days until after our open house this Sunday or get it done by tomorrow with hopefully minimal staining and scrub down the bathroom (which I would have to do anyway). I dye my hair black in a light colored bathroom so it's a little bit of a concern. Nothing has ever happened before but I don't know if I want to chance it right before an open house.

Hope you all out there in blog land are doing well!

Happy Updates - Holy Neglected Blog

2011-10-15T11:13:00.002-04:00

So a lot has been going on in the last couple of weeks and I think we are now on the right track. D-man and I were both having issues with our medication. He was like a zombie with no personality and all and that was breaking my heart. When his medication started to wear off he was a super hyper, impulsive lunatic. We also noticed this would happen if his patch came off to early or if we tried to skip a day, the AD
HD was ten times worse. The same thing was happening with me (though not as bad) with my meds. On top of everything else my son was getting so so skinny. He were's a 6 slim and i had to adjust the waist to the ends on both sides. With this new medication he's making up for lost time and I've had to let out the adjustable waist just a little bit LOL. My meds are okay but they seem to be making my OCD meds not work as well. I have a new compulsion (besides shopping) I am washing all of my dishes by hand *GASP!* You heard me right. I have a perfectly good dishwasher yet for the last month I wash my dishes by hand every single day. I think it soothes me in some way and on the ADHD side it makes me feel like I at least accomplished one thing during the day. So yes I was dishes and I enjoy it, go figure.

Damien's new meds make him a little tired but his loving,considerate and VERY funny personality have all resurfaced. He now acts like a normal little boy and I can't be happier with his new meds. It's in pill form which makes things much easier. We taught him to take pills by teaching him to swallow tic tacs. I swear it took about 2 minutes for him to get it. If you or you know anyone with the dilemma of teaching their children how to swallow a pill, definitely try tic tacs.

We are going to Disney World in November and spending Thanksgiving with my family. My father, my stepmother, my sister and her SO (I don't know why they just don't get married). This has not been done since 19-- well 1996 with my parents and 1980 with my sister. It's a long story. this will be a first almost lol. Should be fun, we are going out to dinner. I was really hoping to have the whole family together so my children know my side but unfortunately my aunt, that hosts everything won't be around. Maybe we can do it again next year! I might need an entire year to recoup.

Happy Days and Peanut Butter

2011-08-24T10:31:00.000-04:00

Lately I was in a little bit of a slump but really it's just trying to get me to the right medicine and the right dosage. My OCD kicked into a little high gear and I have been compulsive organizing, compulsively/impulsively craft shopping, and obsessing over peanut butter (really, I can't stop eating it). I can't wait till my kids (and husband) so I can take out the jar, the largest size jar they had at the grocery store, and a spoon and go to town. I've always liked peanut butter but the last few months it's peanut butter everything. And yes, I do have a stash of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter Cups stashed in the refrigerator downstairs. Weird right. Luckily, even though I am eating it most of the time, I'm only eating a little bit at a time so I'm not downing a whole 48oz jar in one sitting. I save that for ice cream, lol. Okay enough about peanut butter.

I finally finished my course of Accutane (it's not the brand Accutane but another brand but no one would know what I was talking about). Woo hoo! Five months of over dried cracked lips and chin, scaly, itchy dry skin but not one pimple in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn't come back. I'm just so glad to be off a medication. I'm also weening off of another one. I take 3 different meds to go to sleep at night which I know is ridiculous but when even with a sleeping pill you're up till 5 am we had to try it. Well my doctor forgot to give me the prescription so I just decided to break the pills in half and ween down and see how I do. So far so good. I think it helps that I am coming off of amphetamines and basically crash at night. With the medications I'm on I'm doing a little better but I need to still get some kind of program or coach or whatever to help me work with my ADHD. I'm still all over the place but I've been able to reach some goals. I need to set budgets and schedule my time to be more efficient but I'm much better that I was.

Guess what, just as I was about to sign paperwork to become a referral agent and not a full time real estate agent anymore, I get a phone call from someone in California looking to move here. Well low and behold I actually had someone buy a house through me. We can close next week but he want's to take advantage of some things that his company is offering and is actually pushing off closing another week or two. The funny thing is most people wouldn't be ready to close so soon and we would probably go longer than his asking date. A normal closing in the state of NJ takes about 45 days. We are at day 14, how crazy is that. I just lucked out by having better than normal buyers and they are awesome people as well. To top it off I got them this humongous, beautiful house for $35,000 off of asking price.

I can't tell you how perfect I needed everything to be and how stressed that this made me and it was a better than perfect transaction. Many agents would kill for this type of transaction because it was so easy going. So it will be my last and as soon as it officially closes I will be handing off my paperwork as a referral agent. I'm going to be full time mommy. When Ava reaches kindergarten and the economy gets better I may try to find a part time job somewhere to keep me busy. Until them I'm going to get my self together and enjoy my life.

Hyperfocusing

2011-08-02T23:09:00.000-04:00

I was upped on my adderall dosage last month so I'm not so much a zombie any more and I'm feeling a little better. I didn't mean to get anyone down, in my last post, I was just releasing some steam. I'm actually still in good spirits through this whole thing. It's just that sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. They are probably going to have to up my dose again though. Increasing the dose actually took away the zombie like side effects but now I'm hyper focusing on things like the computer and organizing things like crazy. My impulsive spending has slown down immensely but I am still completely out of focus. I'm not sure if it's the medication or the knowledge of what I have but I am so much more aware of when I am completely out of focus. It's a hard fight but I'm getting through it. Thank god I'm on medication for OCD because that helps me not be such a perfectionist, which causes extreme anxiety, and allows me to give myself more patience. I just stop and focus on what I need to do right at that moment. My memory is still shot but that could also be attributed to volumes of alcohol I inhaled over the 4 years in college. I'm just gonna keep on truckin' till I get it right.

D is doing great. We are getting along much better. I need to spend more time with him though. Being hyperfocused on the wrong things leads me to be a little withdrawn from everyone. Up a mountain down a hill. I'll get there. Tomorrow we are going to check out a place for piano lessons. My 5 year old has been begging me all summer to enroll him. I called the perfect place to find out the instructor died last winter. It would be nice if someone would take down her website so people won't call looking to sign up.

Little A is starting dance lessons in Sept. Of course all of the dance studios in NJ are all geared towards competitive dancing and the moms get really scary about this. I just want her to have fun. I don't really think I need to have too many worries about that at her age. She will be taking ballet and tap. As if she doesn't were her tutu around enough. She has this bright multi colored mardi gras looking thing and it's huge and fluffy and I have had to endure many errands with her dressed in full ballet garb in 90 degree heat. Makes for interesting conversation with strangers. However, I would never deny her or my son because I'm a true believer of self expression. Obviously at there age there will be no tattoos or piercings but dressing themselves in kelly green polka dots and purple plaid is just fine with me.

I hate that the summer is coming to an end. I don't think I've ever enjoyed summer so much. Even with all the trials and tribulations. That and I have to deal with D going to kindergarten, I just don't know if I'm ready to let him be ready, even though he is ready. What happened to my little boy? Hope you all are having a great summer!

Could I Be Anymore of a HOT MESS?!

2011-07-06T20:25:00.000-04:00

So ADD doesn't exist anymore it's all different types of ADHD but really I could care less. All I know is that it sucks. The medication sucks even worse. I went from being flakey, flighty and stupid to a complete zombie. However now when I start a project the project gets done and gets done right.

I don't know how I was a really good student. Very rarely would I get anything lower that a B. I gotta couple of C's in gym which I thought was pretty ridiculous to begin with and a problem with geometry in the beginning, that was about it. Every time my parents when to conference night they said the same two things, she talks a little bit too much in class and sometimes she doesn't put in a full effort. Those are the only two things that showed I had it and back then no one would even speculated that there was an issue. It was the kid who sat behind me that used to blurt things out in class and was constantly fidgeting that had the problem. It only came apparent something was wrong with me in college. This is going to be too much information but I read that increasing estrogen can sometimes make ADHD worse. I started to go down hill in my sophomore year of college. The exact same time I started to take the birth control pill. I don't know how true it is but coincidentally that is was happened. Had great skin and a barely existent period but I was dumb as a stump and a complete under achiever. I think that if I had caught it back in the 70's I would have ended up with a full scholarship to Princeton and be running for president in 2018.

So now I have OCD and ADHD. It's like being punched on both sides of your head at the same time. Many tell me "at least you know what it is now" yeah, well it never goes away. It's not a mental disorder its a neurological disorder that I now after almost 39 years have to figure out how to deal with. I was so depressed for the first week of knowing and the fact that I passed it down to my son (great job mom!) I didn't know what to do but for me apparently that is normal. My shrink told me that this explains why my son and I clash so much. Poor thing. I can't wait to get him into therapy. And as crazy as this might sound I may invest in some kind of life coach, personal organizer type thing. I just need someone to help me schedule my life and help me learn new parenting skills for me to use and help my son.

Speaking of which I hear him screaming and pounding up the stairs now. I hate this time of the day when both are medications start wearing off and he becomes unfocused and EXTREMELY HYPER and I become completely unfocused and lose all the patience I've ever had.

The good news is there is no where to go but up. I just have to figure out how to get there. *Ugh*

I have a brain.

2011-06-16T20:40:00.000-04:00

So I had my MRI of my head and unexpectedly they found a brain. And it's in perfect physical condition. My mental condition is a whole other saga. So I too have ADD and Damien has both ADD and ADHD. It apparently runs in families and like a good mother I passed down what I have. For me I don't know why it didn't surface until later in life. I can actually pinpoint the time frame it started. I was always a straight A student in highschool. Highly motivated and highly focused. The only complaint I ever had from teachers was that I talked too much in class and that was when I was in grammar school. Around my sophomore year in college is when the lack of focus, motivation, the extreme anxiety, the OCD things I didn't realize were OCD at the time. I just thought I was a lazy depressed mess. I know it's easy to see things hind sight. I get a little sad thinking of what I could have done with my life if I had caught things sooner. Not that my life isn't great now. I've got a great life, I really do, and I feel blessed everyday for all that I have. I just wish I felt like I was offering more to my family. Maybe now that I have a handle on things I will get to where I want to be even though I becoming the crypt keeper. I'm gonna be 40 in a year and a half! *thud* No way in hell am I going gracefully either. I'm going to fight it every step of the way.

It Never Ends

2011-06-04T09:33:00.000-04:00

So I realize that I'm not 100%. I have been having trouble remember what words to use. I don't talk nearly as much anymore for fear that I sound retarded in conversations. I lose track of conversations as well and zone off into my own little world. I start projects and then start another one and I haven't been able to sit down and read a book in about 2 years. I start it then drop it and never go back to it because I don't want to start it from the beginning again. I am having a really hard time with my children who talk to me at the same time ALL of the time and it frustrates me to no end. On top of that I keep falling. I've taken two really bad spills in the last month. So I told my shrink this. I also mentioned that I always felt I had brain damage from my car accident when I was 13 and laughed it off. It was in Fulton County, Georgia in 1986. Even though there was obvious damage that I had hit my head and had a concussion they just didn't do CAT scans or MRI's back then. I wasn't always like this. It all really started in college and according to the doctor brain damage can affect you later in life. Just a joy

Well now I have two options. I either really do have brain damage, and have to rule it out with an MRI, or I have ADD. I was informed that ADD runs in families so it's very likely that my son's ADD came from me and now we are just tracing it back. Nice! Can I screw up my kid any more than I already have!?

Is it too much to ask that we just be normal? I just want to think clearly and get my mojo back.

Hello Out There!

2011-04-15T17:25:00.003-04:00

No one has been blogging lately and I have forgotten to check. I just keep drudging away anyway. So I started the Accutane, well not that brand but same thing and my acne is finally starting to clear up. It got a lot worse first but that was to be expected. For the first time I'm using a real moisturizer and not an oil free one woo hoo! My oil problem has pretty much cleared up and I don't have sludge on my cell phone every time I use it.

Damien is doing great on his new meds but he is still getting used to it. The main side affect is no appetite. Good thing is we don't have to use it everyday. He went from being really loud and hyper to sometimes being so quiet and focused it actually scared me a bit. I would like it to be in the middle but the doctor says it will take about 6 months.

Ava has decided that she is going to be a princess. She doesn't act too much like one. I've got her helping me with laundry, she takes it out of the washer and puts it in the dryer for me, she puts a new garbage bag in the garbage, she feeds the dog and she helps me dust the house. She is so independent too. She is potty trained now, for about 2 or 3 weeks and just goes on her own. Occasionally she will ask for someone to come with her but normally she's running out of the bathroom "mommy I peed!" or my favorite "mommy I pooped, wanna come see?"

Business is kind of picking up but it's putting my OCD into overdrive. I didn't realize how panicked I would be sending out contracts. I have double and triple check them and then I worry like crazy waiting to hear back from the other agent. But I finally made my first transaction, I rented an apartment and made about $150 if I'm lucky but hey it's money.

Hope all are doing well. I know I mostly keep up with you guys on facebook but as I said I'll keep on going here too as well.

New Update and Lots of Info You Probably Didn't Need to Know

2011-03-10T16:01:00.003-05:00

So so much has been going on. Between doctors visits diagnoses and medications plus everything else life throws at you, it's crazy here.

I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before but I have some pretty bad acne lately. I've always had problems with it. When I was 18 I went on the pill and it kept it kind of "quiet" for a long time. Then I went off of it to get pregnant. My skin was beautiful through both of my pregnancies and breastfeeding. About 3 months after I finished breastfeeding little A it came back with a vengeance. Now I'm almost 40 with the acne of a 15 yr old. We tried antibiotics and topical stuff and it worked for a little while and then nothing. So after really careful consideration we are now trying Isotretinoin (most commonly known as Accutane). Of course you have to go through the ringer to go on it so now I have to go on a primary form of birth control and a secondary and testing every month. Fun. So today I went to get my IUD. I decided to go the completely non hormonal route because why add another drug to the mix. I got plenty already. I felt like a car being worked on. It wasn't too bad but I'm glad I don't have to do anything with it for 10 years.

Tomorrow I go to the plastic surgeon for very minor surgery revisions. I'm having some extra skin from my belly button remove and a little bit of extra skin on my scar remove. Local anesthesia only and I can drive myself. More fun. Then I go to the Dermatologist on Monday for my prescription, finally. Three different doctors for three different reasons. Oh and I have blood work on Monday morning. I think I've turned myself into a pin cushion.

In between all of this D-man has had a bit of a rough patch. He threw a fit at school and basically tried to beat up his teacher. It was bad. They had to send him home for the day. Luckily that day I had an appointment with the shrink, because we can't forget that I'm crazy too, and since we share the same doctor I took him with me. My psychiatrist is very accommodating, thank goodness. D-man was doing really well and then he started to get very hyper and very impulsive. One night we went out to dinner and he spit his chocolate milk out all over his father for no apparent reason. There have been other little things but this big meltdown at school really broke the camels back. D-man has ADD/ADHD. Everything I read about Oppositional Defiance Disorder says that it usually accompanies something else but the doctor said he didn't see anything else but you have to strip down the layers sometimes to get to the underlying issues. So as his one medication was calming the ODD the ADD started to come out. Bad news is that he is now on a new medication, good news is that we can now ween him off of the other medication. At his age we can't put him into therapy yet. First we have to calm him down with the medication and then we have to make sure that he can fully express himself and actually "get" the therapy. And to top it all of it may not be ADD. Because we can't do therapy we have to see if the medication works and if it does then that is what it is. Well the medication worked so I guess he now has ODD and ADD.

My poor family has so many letters labeled to them. At least at this point my little A only has DRAMA QUEEN attached to her but she prefers PRINCESS. She's doing okay with sleeping in her own room. She only wakes once at about 3 am and my husband gets up because I'm knocked out, he he. I love my husband, he's such a trooper. He's got letters too but at least his are useful.

Blech

2011-02-21T19:39:00.004-05:00

Okay so I've been really restless lately. I'm easily distracted, can't focus, can't be pleased by anything. I feel like I have to constantly be doing something or perfecting something. Part of it is my business in real estate hasn't really done anything yet. I feel like I'm getting closer to making money at it but I just can't get there. That and I just don't know if I really like it. Remember it was my husbands idea. I don't know where to go from here, at my age.

This whole motherhood thing really has me bummed out lately. My son still has issues and now my daughter is starting to develop some of his "bad habits" and I feel like I suck at being mom.

I know, what a crappy post this is. It gets better. I guess no one was paying attention to the dog and he just peed on me. I think I'm also going pre-menopausal. So between bad business, hormones, a full moon and a pissed off dog I feel like blech!

Just needed to get that off my chest.

Healing Nicely - Maybe Some TMI

2010-12-03T20:16:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm a really quick healer. I had a small problem under one of my boobs. I had a small seroma or fluid build up after my drain was remove right at the crease. I'm on another week of antibiotics and have some prescription ointment and it seems to be doing just fine. All my drains are out, my stitches gone, and my bandages are removed. Now I just have to wear this stupid binder or a girdle for another 2 - 4 weeks. I do notice by the end of the day that I'm a little hunched over but I have been overdoing it for the last few days and I just need to rest a little more during the day than I have been.

Let me just tell you that I do not regret for one second having this done. My boobs are perky and fit nicely into any bra off the rack - no special ordering online needed. My stomach is as flat as flat as can be. I don't think I predicted my results to be so good. I am thankful for all of you concerned about me in my time of vanity, I definitely didn't deserve it simply because I chose to do this to myself. I know it's not something for everyone but I feel so much better about myself than I did. I guess just do what makes you happy. And boy am I happy!

I hope everyone is doing well at the start of the holiday season. Because I have slacked off for the last couple of weeks I now need to get in gear and finish some training for work and do my holiday shopping *cringes*.

Post Op

2010-11-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

Okay so I'm a little druggd up and in a little bit of pain, but I'm much better than I thought I would be. The worst part are the drains, they just suck. I just wanted everyone to know that I'm okay and doing pretty good. I've got lots of help and haven't had to lift a finger. Hopefully my booby drains will be out on Tuesday and the belly drain will be out in a week or so. Wish me luck.

Just a Week Left!

2010-11-12T11:11:00.000-05:00

Okay so this new career thing has been keeping me pretty busy. I know who would have thought, lol. I really like it even though I don't have any business yet. It's a lot more money going in then coming out right now. Fees and dues and classes and marketing myself. I wish I had more to do.

I can't remember if I told everyone about Parker and what a pain he was and how I was ready to send him back to the breeder and I finally had to subject him to an electric training collar. Well now he's a wonderful dog and I found a new groomer who thinks he's just fine and charges me $40 less for grooming. Now I just have to figure out his diet. He's too skinny, I think, and he's not super excited about the billion dollar food that I buy for him but he goes to the vets on Monday so we will see.

I am now down to a week left before my surgery and now I'm starting to get a little nervous. Not about the actual surgery or even a bad outcome but how am I going to get normal thing done around the house for the next two weeks after. I guess everything will work out just because no one has a choice. Should be fun and wish me luck for a not so painful recovery.

I hope everyone is doing well and I'll keep everyone updated from my drug induced state next week!

Off and Running

2010-10-04T16:56:00.000-04:00

Okay so maybe a slow crawl right now since I'm down and out with a miserable cold. I have passed all the stuff I needed to pass I got hired by a brokerage and I have so far shadowed my mentor at 2 open houses. She thinks I'm ready to do my own open house. I don't think so myself because I'm a little panicked with all I don't know yet, but I started my training today. You can work while you train, it's a little weird but it works. So far I love real estate and most of the people in it. There is one jerk in my training class that thinks his you know what doesn't stink but everyone else is really nice. My training teacher is very enthusiastic to say the least. I think she downs a case of Monster before she comes in. So far the hardest part for me is getting the kids up an hour earlier and getting them to school. We started practicing with them about 4 days ago. Official day 1 went pretty smoothly. Now I just have to try not to fall asleep and go pick them up.

D-man's birthday is Wednesday. I can't believe he is going to be 5 years old already and then right after that Princess (as she now claims herself to be) will be 3. D is having a big party on Saturday with a Magician theme. He is such a weird kid. He even wants to be a magician for Halloween. I guess even David Blain started somewhere.

One Step Forward and Then a Couple More

2010-08-26T16:24:00.000-04:00

So as of last night I passed my pre-licensing class. I did much better than I thought I was going to do and am overjoyed. I even scheduled my state exam on September 9th so hopefully I will pass that. I was hired (yes they hire you before your even licensed) and start my training on October 4th. I am so relieved I can't even tell you. I know if I passed the class the state exam should be passable as well.

Then November 19th I get my surgery. I'm having a tummy tuck, boob lift/reduction and eyelid lift. The babies did a job on my body and I just want to fit into clothes like a normal human being. The eyelid lift is because of the Bell's Palsy when I was pregnant with Ava. It just ravaged my eyes. It seems like right after I had it my eyelids started to really sag. No, I don't expect it to change my life. I don't even want anything in my life to change. I just want to look less tired and fit into clothes better. I know your thinking diet and exercise but that won't help lift my boobs or my droopy gut. I have been diet and exercising and it actually made my boobs even worse and more saggy skin around the belly. My stepmother is coming up to help me out for a couple of weeks.

My kids are doing okay. Damien was especially sweet to me last night and this morning and Ava, well, she's more like glue. I love her dearly but really does she have to sit on my lap while I go to the bathroom. In all honesty I don't mind it so much because I think of what she could be like as a teenager.

On a way off topic note, can anyone else believe it's almost time to start Christmas shopping. Uhg!

A Lot Going On

2010-07-24T20:19:00.000-04:00

So I have a bunch of me news. I got a job, as long as I pass the test for my license. I will be able to help people buy and sell houses. Whoopee! I am so excited to get out there and make my own money. I am so sick of relying on my husband. He's very stingy about money to begin with but then again I'm the complete opposite so it works out better that way. Even bigger news is that I am going to have some plastic surgery done. Yes I'm going for it. I even have a potential date set for November around Thanksgiving. I know some of you may not approve but it's my body and I'm doing what I want with it. My step mother is going to come up and take care of me and the kids for a couple of weeks. I would have it done sooner but I have to wait until my husband takes the boards. Thank god he only has to take them every 10 years. He gets so stressed out about the whole thing and he's cranky all the time. I have to let it go because it is extremely important after all. So that's my heavily narcissistic news. All about me and my vanity LOL.

Holy Hell!

2010-07-16T15:04:00.000-04:00

Okay so lots going on lately. For once I thought it was good. First I'm going to my classes it's a little dry but technically it's a means to an end. I have a job interview next Thursday at on of the Realestate companies by me. It's not really a job but an opportunity to build my own business under their name. A little confusing but I'm getting the gist of it. Next week I'm going on 2 consultations for plastic surgery, basically a mommy makeover. I know some of you might be anti surgery but I am not opposed to any of it and after all it is my body. So that is another good thing for me.

Then I talked to my husband about how I would work my hours if I get hired anywhere. He turns around and says I never talked to you about getting a job! WTF! Now I'm on the track of wanting to work full time so I'm going to do what ever I have to to make it work. If I have to live a make decisions like a single mom without any input from him than that is what I am going to do and he can just live with it. I think he wanted me to wait until they were both in school which would be approximately 4 years from now. My brain would turn to utter slush by then and I don't want to wait that long for adult contact so I can keep my sanity.

As I write this I get more and more aggravated and even more determined to do what I want to do. There is a little guilt with my kids but what kind of example am I setting for them yelling all day and being stupid as all hell. I used to be really really smart and now because I'm a stay at home mom people don't even think I have a college degree. Sometimes I think these people believe if your a stay at home mom you couldn't be accomplished in anything else. That really bugs me.

Freaking Out

2010-06-27T00:38:00.000-04:00

So for about the past week I haven't been able to sleep. I'm a bundle of nerves. I've been cleaning and reorganizing things and that is never a good sign. I'm so worried about these stupid classes, passing the test, getting a job and wondering if I'll be any good at the job. I just don't want to feel like a failure again. I know I NEEED to do this though. I'm so brain dead I just realized now (it's 12:30 am) that I never fed my dog today. Nice real nice. I know he's not going to starve to death but still how can I be so stupid and forgetful. There are so many things to worry about for the future, little things to some, time management between my husband and I being the biggest worry. He just says we'll work it out when the time comes. I need a PLAN, I need to know how we are going to work this out.

My mind is spinning. Even my post sounds like it's spinning. Sorry if I made you dizzy!

What the Hell Did I Just Do?!

2010-06-16T01:30:00.002-04:00

Okay so I've been going a little nuts lately. I'm slightly bored, slightly lonely, slightly losing my mind. You would think I have all this time that it would be no problem keeping to schedules and remembering things. Well no, not it my world. My brain is starting to turn into a 7 Eleven Slurpee. I forget things, don't keep track of things that well, and I barely know what date it is.

So I thought about going back to work. I saw an ad for an administrative assistant and thought I can do that in my sleep. I was qualified for everything they were looking for and the salary was REALLY good. I admit that I had very low expectations of them contacting me. And I was right, they haven't contacted me LOL. I have been out of the workforce for so long and it was only one ad that I sent my resume in for.

I told my husband after the fact and he kind of freaked out a little wondering what about the kids and how are we going to do this and how are we going to do that. I told him no worries I doubt I'll hear back. He also asked if that was what I really wanted to do. No I really don't want to do administrative assistant/secretarial work anymore. He told me I should get my license to sell real estate. He thinks that it's a great time because it is so slow and I don't need a job to survive. I need something that makes me interact with adults and keeps my brain from turning into jello. Plus it has to pick up sometime in the future (hopefully I'll still be alive) and I'll be there in it while everyone else has left or is trying to get in.

I have no idea if I am cut out for it or if I'll even like it, but I signed up for classes to take the exam. My classes start in 2 weeks. WTF. I must be out of my mind. I'm just hoping I get it back. Wish me luck!

Drastic Measures

2010-05-26T11:37:00.000-04:00

So my eating habits, as you read from previous post, have gotten completely out of control. I am sure I would have ended up at 200 lbs in the next year if I continued even with the exercising that I am doing. So this past Sunday I started Nutrisystem. I know that's crazy but I know it's worked for me in the past and I was able to keep the weight off for 5 years in the past. Then I started taking medication and I started to gain again and the weight battle began. So for 10 years I gained weight, lost a little, gained, got pregnant, gained. lost, got pregnant again and actually lost weight during the pregnancy, then gained, they last year I lost about 10 lbs out of nowhere and now I gained again. Then I noticed my OCD had a big hand in the way I ate so I knew I needed a "controlled" plan. For me it helps. So I ordered and I started this past Sunday. I was 161.5 when I started and today I am 157.5. Yes I know that seems like so much to lose in so little time but I'm telling you I was eating so much and so many bad things that this big loss seems completely logical to me. I'm sure it will level out shortly so hopefully in 3 months I will be nearing a healthier weight!

For Crying Out Loud!

2010-04-23T14:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know what is wrong with me, well I do on some level, but I have been compulsive eating like crazy! I ate an entire gallon of ice cream yesterday. Yes an ENTIRE GALLON! Most of it was in one sitting. I have no idea how I managed to keep it down. Apparently my brain is going through a major malfunction. Luckily I have been excercising like crazy and I have to walk my ADHD dog for at least an hour every day so I'm hoping I don't gain 10 lbs in one week.

I've finally been scrapbooking and making cards and mini albums and even started a second blog to showcase my stuff. Okay I have 2 followers but that means someone looked at it. If you want to be board out of your mind by my creative outlet you can take a look here Matter of Scrap. Catchy title isn't it. I thought it went with this blog as well.

Please keep me in your thoughts today as I am making hamburgers for dinner and hopefully don't eat all 2 lbs of meat.

Hope everyone has a beautiful day!

Uhg!

2010-04-12T15:34:00.000-04:00

So before my doctor left on vacation he gave me prescriptions at my last appointment. After they were filled and brought home I realized he gave me the wrong dosage on one of my meds. It was a lower dose than I normally take but I figured I'm probably ready to cut back any way, plus I was too lazy to make a bazillion phone calls to fix it. Well, nope. Not ready to cut back yet. Now I'm a little bit of a hot mess. Can't wait until Thursday when I tell him to give me the right dosage!

Holy Cow it's Been a While

2010-02-22T19:03:00.000-05:00

Just updating because it's been 6 months. Everything is going well. I started this blog to record my deep dark dealings with my OCD and my son's ODD but everything has been going so well (we've had a few setbacks here and there but overall nothing to write home about) that I haven't had anything to update. I really haven't been on the computer too much but try to keep up with what's been going on. I haven't forgotten about any of you just being a little quiet.

Getting Better

2009-06-20T09:25:00.002-04:00

Other than both my kids being sick with slight fevers this past week and being a little crankier than usual everything is getting better. I have seen improvement in Damien's behavior which started about 4 days after the medication. I can't go by the last couple of days because of this virus he has but it is crankiness and not opposition so I can deal with it. Ava was cranky as well with a fever and she has 3 teeth coming in strong. One of them is just starting. I can't wait for them to cut through to give the poor kid a break.

On the getting better side Damien is laughing and smiling more. He plays more with more imagination and creativity and he asks for things instead of demanding. I didn't realize how unhappy and negative he was until he wasn't anymore. Ava spent the first full night in her toddler bed last night. We tried it in the beginning of the week but she woke up with a fever so my husband brought her back into our bed. I definitely think he was a little sad for her to go into her bed and misses her more than I do. As much as I loved her little warm butt tucked up next to me I wanted my bed back. She did very well and only woke up twice looking for me but then went right back to sleep. She was just checking to make sure we were still there.

Our new puppy will be coming home around the middle of August. I'm so excited yet nervous because I don't remember how to raise a puppy. You would think I would remember but 7 1/2 years and to kids later I seem to need a refresher course. I'm sure it will come back to me. The advances in the food are amazing. I think I'm going to due Natures Variety raw and instinct diet. I had to warn my husband that if he sees a hamburger patty defrosting in the refrigerator not to eat it before asking what it is. It's a little on the expensive side but after buying food for 2 huge dogs I think it evens itself out or is even cheaper. We decided to name him Parker. Now I just have to sit down and make a list of everything I'm going to need and do some shopping!

Just Great

2009-06-11T06:46:00.002-04:00

The last few weeks have been just plain awful and todays about to get even worse. It 's got nothing to do with me either. Other than the things I've been dealing with I've been feeling great with respect to my OCD and anxiety.

First let me start of with Damien. After a few episodes at school and a discussion with his teachers we took Damien to a child psychiatrist. I felt, for sure, that he also has some type of anxiety disorder considering both of his parents have it. It turns out that he has ODD with stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The big clues were that he refuses to potty train, take naps and has issues with authority figures. Yes he too is now on medication. I feel like such a failure. You can't help it. After looking it up I realized (and so did the doctor) that we were doing everything to text book accuracy in respect to dealing with the issue but nothing was working. Please don't think we are doing this to be lazy and not do more work with the issue. We are doing this to have a happy child. How can a child be happy saying no and being negative towards everything. Not to mention the issues that he would have as he becomes older and probably never graduating from highschool because of this. He would never be able to hold a job because he would never be able to work for anyone. What will happen when his peers suddenly have roles of authority in his life. I know to someone on the outside of this it sounds ridiculous but when your child refuses to hold your had in parking lots and runs into traffic you start to rethink things. I'm not a fan of the medication thing and I even refused medication for myself for quite sometime but I couldn't live with the consequences of not stopping this behavior early before even more serious issues occur. I have seen terrible parents wind up with wonderful children so it can't just be bad parenting. I am not covering anything up or making things easier for me, believe me I still have to deal with normal parenting issues. He's not a little zombie or robot that just does what he is told. He's starting to turn into that bright, funny, sweet little boy that I know that's in there.

On to more bad news. A few weeks ago I had to euthenize Eve and Magilla. Eve had a huge tumor growing out of her eye. Four days after it started from a pimple size it increase to larger than golf ball size. They kept telling me it was allergies or an infection but after years of treatments and antibiotics it was apparently not what it was. Magilla also had issues of vomiting after every meal and urinary issues. Keep in mind that this has been for 4 years straight. This last time he had a really bad UTI. I gave him medication then had him on a course of Cosequin and natural maintenance for it for over 3 months. He then starting urinating on all of my childrens toys, clothes, bedding and all over my kitchen counters. My last option was prednisone which basically would have destroyed his liver in about 6 months.

If that isn't enough I've notice strange behaviors in my dogs which can only be described as depression. My one just nervous easily and I can't explain it exactly but is just not herself. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed that they were starting to become a little cranky with each other and had a couple of little spats. Then a couple of days ago they had a little fight and teeth marks were involved. Yesterday they had such a huge fight that my FIL and BIL came rushing over from next door because they thought the dogs were fighting a bear and heard me yelling. My children witnessed it and became hysterical and now my son is terrified. He is already afraid of them and won't walk past them even though we have shown that he won't be hurt by them. Do I wait until they rip each other apart in front of my children? They were fighting over me, which was one of the triggers the last time as well. They are 7 year old pitbulls and the idea of rehoming them is almost ridiculous. Who is going to take them. I already had an appointment with the vet for their yearly exam which is now turning into something devastating. Call me Hitler because I feel like an evil, awful, not even human being.

I am so stressed out right now I can't even see straight. Please don't judge me too harshly because no one can do that more than I'm doing it to myself right now.

Ants in My Pants

2009-05-27T06:12:00.002-04:00

That's what I feel like lately. I'm only slightly obsessive but very restless lately and sometimes I can't focus on what it is I need to do. I don't know if it's because I can't decide or I just don't realize that I'm obsessing and I'm stuck. It's not that bad but just enough for me to notice. At least now I'm able to work through it quickly.

On the potty training front that has, unfortunately, stopped. After 15 accident and realizing that he did not care that he was sitting in his own poop and pee, I figured he just was not ready. About a week later he was constipated and went and sat on the potty and pooped all by himself. I think at least the concept had been introduced. It wasn't just the accidents but more the fact that I couldn't handle it any more thanks to OCD and control issues. I was making him act out because I was a little crabby and angry. It took about a week to get him back to normal (and me) My son is extremely sensitive to my behavior apparently. I still see some problems and I even got a call from the school. He seems to have authority issues and will be seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation. I think he may either have OCD as well (it comes from both sides of the family) or he could just be a victim of bad parenting. I just want to do whatever I can so he can become a healthy adult and not waste all of his time fixing himself after the fact.

I look back and see all of the time and opportunities I wasted. I did speak to someone when I was in college. Actually I went and saw two different doctors at two different times and no one caught that there was something wrong. They accounted it to be that I was just was lazy in school or everything had to do with my mother and brother dying in the car accident. I don't deny that had some to do with it but obviously that was not my only issue. I really hope my children don't have to go through that as well.

Mommy takes the prize.

2009-05-14T07:00:00.002-04:00

My son refused to let me change his diaper yesterday so I asked him, "What would you do if there were no more diapers?" to which he replied, "I would use the potty". Oh really! Well that is all I needed to hear because off came the diaper and into the garbage. We did save some for the night time but that's it. No more diapers and I just don't care anymore. Really I already have to clean up poop and pee and I have all wood floors. I have a couple of inexpensive area rugs and a spot bot bissle compact carpet cleaner so I am good to go.

I took off his diaper and just let him walk around naked. He cried for about an hour. He went to the bathroom and twice asked me to come in with him. I walked out both times after 15 minutes because he wasn't doing anything. I put the baby down for a nap and left him on the couch watching something on tv, hoping he would take one as well and hopped on my computer for some kid free zone time. It got very quiet and I didn't even know he wasn't on the couch until he came out of the bathroom and said mommy I pooped on the potty! I checked and sure enough there it was, a big poop in the potty. You would have thought I won a billion dollars. I immediately called the school and without hesitation she said bring him in underwear tomorrow. They were just as excited as I was.

Of course then I put him in underwear and he peed on himself. Not a lot so maybe it was a little accident but I don't care I realize this is my only option left.

Meeeedication now - come on! (sing in tune with the song "Celebration")

2009-04-29T09:20:00.002-04:00

So I have been on medication now for 2 1/2 weeks I think and I have been feeling fabulous. I can't help but think am I manic now or is this how normal people feel for the most part. I am happy most of the time. I wake up happy and smiling and I go through my day smiling. No more fits of anger for no reason and I am calm and patient. Life is great. I still have some social anxiety. I walk around feeling like I'm a big dork most of the time but hopefully that will lessen in time. Well I still might actually be a big dork but I would like to become oblivious to it.

There was a fiasco about the medication just the other day. There's nothing like a shrink making his patient feel crazy. I refilled one medication for the 3rd time and the other two medications a second time. He increased my dosage at a previous session and then needed to prescribe more at this last one. However in his head he was calling it one medication and writing it out for another. When I picked up the prescription this time he had written it out for what he was calling it. Confusing right? Not as confusing as me trying to explain the mistake to him, the pharmacist, and the receptionist at the shrinks office, who was I think the root of the problem. I wish I could pull the "conversation log" out of my head so you could see, how the people trying to help me, were actually making me seem crazier than I am. Everything is now correctly prescribed and the pharmacy even took back the medication.

Okay, I'm off to start the rest of my day - with a smile!

Well Now...

2009-04-14T11:17:00.002-04:00

Ava is completely weened. We had one night of hyperventilating, the next night she passed out on the way home from a friends house in the car, and the third we had a little bit of her smacking me on the boobs for a few minutes but she got the idea it wasn't happening. So yesterday I had a revaluation for medication with the psychiatrist. At first he was going to put me on Haldol because I told him one of my compulsions was plucking my eyebrows but he confused that with me having the need to pull out hair. I had to explain to him that I was obsessed with making my eyebrows look perfect to obsessed with the actual pulling out the hair. Instead he gives me some other anti psychotic medication and a sleeping pill for night time and an anti depressant for the daytime. How nice, I'm a lunatic. I know that these medications have proven helpful with OCD but the prescription information lists a lovely concoction of uses. The psychiatrist then tells me "we'll start with these and add on if we need to" WTF!!!??? How freaking crazy am I? I know I'm only moderate and I really want to get better but part of me feels like a failure needing the medication. Well we'll see how it goes. It's really the only thing I can do.

No Damien is still not potty trained. His poor teachers try every day he's there, as well, to no avail. I have "that" kid. I would like all the people that have given me their horror stories because they have made me feel better and assured me I'm not the only one. To all of those who say "Really? Are you doing this, this and that? My child was potty trained the day he turned 18 months!", go fuck yourselves. Luckily there are very few of those people.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday.

Feeling Better

2009-03-23T10:29:00.002-04:00

Had my appointment and made a couple more, thank goodness. I'm glad I got to talk everything out because just as I expected in the back of my mind I just slightly overreacted. Apparently my son is very intelligent, manipulative, controlling and VERY strong willed. She said that empathy and sympathy start to be formed right around now but if I am that concerned to just keep an eye on him. She asked me several questions that led me to believe I indeed once again was overreacting. It's all because I think I'm a terrible mother but that is getting better as well.
Saturday we did an active potty training day which resulted in him sitting on the toilet for about 5 1/2 hours. For the most part he did this willingly. Don't get me wrong he got to stand up and walk around but I knew the second I put the diaper on him he would go. He held it in and only had a little pee. As I said VERY strong willed. During this time my little girl pooped on the potty. Just great. It was a little bit of luck and she is in no way ready to be potty trained but I don't think she is going to give me a big fight about it. Potty training is a huge controlling force for him and he will just not give it up. Yesterday I was able to get him first thing in the morning to pee. He held it in for about 1/2 an hour and finally peed a little bit. I had no intentions of another 5 hour battle so that was it for the day. Instead we made him change his own diaper. He has to take off his pants dump any solids into his potty, wipe his own behind, flush and then put his own diaper and clothes back on. I'm hoping he gets tired of doing all of that and finally just decides he is ready. Of course, I hope I don't have the child that can't go to Kindergarten because he is 6 and still not potty trained. I know that it has prevented him from moving up to the next class which is sad but I just don't know what else to do.

But I'm not in that dark sad mood anymore. I'm chalking it up to hormones. I've been keeping track of how PMS and my period affects my mood so I can be more proactive and less reactive about things. Really, how dorky did that just sound LOL!

Off the Grid

2009-03-20T09:46:00.003-04:00

Well I have fallen off the grid for a while. I've had a whirlwind of things going on some good, some bad and some very very confusing. Lot's of birthdays and reunions, brunches and parties. I've managed to still keep the pounds from coming back even though my eating habits have been very naughty. I guess that means that they weren't as bad as I think.
A couple of weeks ago I completely missed a therapy session. I just forgot, my husband forgot and the office didn't even call me to let me know that I was late. I have the appointments on the same day at the same time booked through until April. Of course it could be that she cancels on me so much it just felt right not to have an appointment. Then of course the following week the office calls to not only cancel my appointment but to also let me know she will no longer be working that night or the next night and will only be working one day and all of my future appointments are canceled. Great. Now you're thinking I should probably go see someone else. I've been seeing her for 5 months. I don't think I have it in me to completely start over again with someone new. The thought of it just drains me. I hate repeating myself and it would really just set all of my progress back. It just sucks. The first appointment I was able to schedule was for the end of April. Great. However, they called a couple of nights ago and told me she was coming in tonight and would I like an appointment. Let's see, wait almost 8 weeks or go now, duh! I desperately need this appointment there is so much going on with not just me but my son as well.
I love my son I really do. Something is wrong with him. He is a difficult child to say the least. I know that I am a terrible mother. I really suck at it and I would love to take full responsibility for his behavior because I know that if I was finally able to figure out what to do right then he would be okay. Outside of the home everyone just loves him. They think he's funny and helpful and charming. At home he is completely defiant, angry and demanding. At first I figured it was due to me and my issues and he acts this way because in some ways I act that way. I was sure it was all me since he never acted this way towards anyone else. Yesterday I received a letter from school, they would have called but lost power. He threw a fit and hit his teacher and carried on for a while afterward all because he didn't get a good seat at snack time. My husband keeps saying it's not that bad and has lead me to believe that I may be over reacting. Well I dread days when I know I'm home all day with my son. I dread picking him up from school I dread knowing that my husband is working late and I'll have to handle him for a couple more hours than expected. I know, I am an awful mother.
I know something is wrong. He's the only child that doesn't get happy to see his parent walk through the door to pick him up at school. Actually he ignores me and the fact that I'm there. It breaks my heart. My son lacks empathy, sympathy, compassion and remorse. He doesn't care that he hurts someone's feelings. I don't think he understands or even cares that he hurts someones feelings. I don't think he understands someone being sad I don't think he has ever been sad. He just gets angry when the situation isn't what he wants. He is very good at saying he is sorry. It sounds very much like he is and he tells me what he did wrong but deep down I don't think he cares. It's almost robotic when he lists the things he did wrong and the effort of saying sorry is not to redeem himself but to get out of the corner or get out of his room.
I don't really know what age they are suppose to understand all of this type of thing but I'm thinking that maybe he should by now. I try to think back to when he was a baby and wonder if there were signs and signals I missed.
Maybe I'm just over reacting as I normally do. I mean he doesn't torture our pets and think of devious ways to hurt his sister, at least not yet. I don't know but as you can see I really need this appointment tonight.

Quickety Quick Update

2009-02-10T18:24:00.002-05:00

For those of you with pre-school ones you may know the show Wow Wow Wubzy. I have no idea why but my son is obsessed with it. Lives for it and wants Wow Wow Wubzy underwear. Of course underwear doesn't mean a hooty hoot if you don't go on the potty. But the title sort of reflects the way some of the things are said on the show. Ya know kickety kick, bigety big and so on.

Things have taken a turn for the better. All of a sudden I have started to really work on myself within the relationship I have with my husband. Up until now he was my safe place to take my insecurities out on. He's been such a trooper to keep such a high tolerance for my crap. Now we are getting along better than ever thanks to me keeping my evil alter ego chained up.

And sadly, my little princess is a full fledged walker. She has left infancy behind and has officially entered toddlerhood. I know this is also a happy and exciting time but we don't plan on having anymore children and its a little bittersweet to see her move on and grow up. Thank god she is so cute and cuddley. If I couldn't squeeze her and love on her still I think I would be completely heartbroken. Hopefully that doesn't happen until she hits her preteens at least.

Potty Training Woes

2009-01-25T15:38:00.002-05:00

Yes, my son still has yet to be potty trained. He has even said out loud "I am not ready yet". Well that would be fine if the class that he started with in preschool did not move up without him. I was once told "oh don't worry about it yet, there is a boy in the older class that is still wearing diapers" and "wait until he gets to Miss Meghan's class she's very good with that" Well guess what he didn't move up to Miss Meghan's class. All of his class mates that had birthdays between October 2nd and December 31st got moved up. Damien is now in a class where the children are now 6 months or more younger than him. I was told nothing. Not even why they decided to not move him. I guess they thought maybe I wouldn't notice. Due to illness and keeping Damien out of class and then other scheduling I haven't contacted anyone yet. I'm not even mad, I'm heartbroken. First I have to deal with the idea of "what am I doing wrong as a parent" or "I must be a bad mother to have the only child not potty trained" On top of that why did they decide to change the rules for my child. Even my therapist agrees that it is probably not productive to keep a child in a class, in this age group, with children 6 months younger. I know partly he likes the attention of being changed but I wonder if putting more kids in that aren't potty trained going to keep him feeling secure in diapers. Are they going to start over with their lessons now so now he'll be behind intellectually and emotionally? I don't know what to do anymore.

Ava on the other hand is doing wonderful. She can walk but doesn't have the confidence to do it for more than a few steps. And she will potty train by 18 months and it will still be before Damien.

I am not doing so well. I'm pissed at Ken right now because he is kind of nonchalant about the whole issue and that bothers me. He's not even concerned enough to ask questions or even ask who to ask questions too. His answer is to fix it the quickest way possible so I just shut up which means "Well we'll just take him out" Oh yeah, and then what do we do. There is a wait list for most places or they are really crappy places which I wouldn't even send my dog too and then it would disrupt him even more, as he has had enough teacher and class changes in his short two years there. I don't think anywhere else is different in regards to that due to crappy pay. I just feel so lost and alone in the situation without even justification from my husband. You would think he could show just a little concern at least just to make me feel a little better. I don't know what to do now.

Now I have to go apologize for exploding and being mean to him just now. Gotta love anxiety!

I want my TV back! and the biopsy results. (edited from earlier)

2008-12-23T08:54:00.003-05:00

Okay so I've been sitting here since last Monday with no TV. Granted I've been able to get lots of stuff done but now there is nothing to do. I've been half tempted to open some of the kids Christmas gifts to play with. I know that we shouldn't need TV but I would like to watch the news or watch a movie. I think Kung Fu Panda was on ppv. Let's face it, it is also a nice distraction for the little one so I can cook diner without little fingers in the way of flames or knives and I can go to the bathroom by myself. With no TV I must now provide CONSTANT entertainment for my 3 year old which is much harder than it sounds. Remember I still have a 1 year old hanging off of me that needs constant attention too. Okay and so maybe I want to watch some TV too. I'm just looking for half an hour to an hour is that really so bad?

EDITED: Okay so the TV was fixed. Yippie. The biopsy results came back positive for cancer but the good news is that they did not find any cancerous cells in the surrounding tissue so the biopsy itself removed all of the bad cells. So I am okay, a little nerve wracked from hearing that though.

Dark Places

2008-12-18T08:24:00.002-05:00

First let me mention that I am completely hormonal to top everything off. It took me a while to figure out that part of the reason I'm in a bad spot right now is due to PMS. PMS sucks! Now that that is out of the way I'm in a very dark place right now because I think I'm going through a mid life crisis. I feel fat and old and frumpy and I feel used up and done with. I know I know, I'm still only in my 30's and life doesn't end but I feel like there is nothing left to accomplish for me. I feel like it's just too late. Partly it's because I think I've decided that I don't want anymore children. That could change at any moment but right now I feel like I need to live some sort of existence for me as well as them. A very tiny part of me wants to just run away and live like a free spirit. I must get that from my mom. No I'm not that selfish I would just get up and leave my husband and children but now you see why for me this is a dark place. Just to entertain this thought scares me. How could I be such an awful person to even think this. But where did I go. What happened to all those wasted years of who I could have been. Oh yes I was young and stupid and I wasted a whole shitload of time and now I can never have it back. Of course I don't want to go back and do it over again and be that person. I want to go back with all of the knowledge I have now. See, midlife crisis earlier than expected. I'm hoping as the PMS subsides so will all this awful feeling of shame and regret.

This is also why I always feel like I'm going crazy. On the outside if you were sitting down with me having coffee or something you would never in a million years know this was going through my head. I keep it all in and look perfectly normal but on the inside it's like a tornado trampling through my brain driving me crazy. In case any of you are wondering, yes I have therapy tonight and not a moment too soon!

Where's Waldo

2008-12-08T11:34:00.002-05:00

I have been so behind on everything lately. If there was a time to get really sick this was definitely NOT it. Thanksgiving was great until I woke up at 2 am with chills and a 104 fever that lasted for 3 days. Then it went down and right back up again to 102. something. By Tuesday I finally could lift my head and now I'm doing great. For almost a week straight I had no strength to do anything. I could barely sit up. At least this time I didn't get Bell's Palsy. My face still has not completely recovered from the last time. I really miss my smile. I had my godson's 5th birthday on Saturday and it just doesn't stop until after Christmas.

Anyhow now that I'm behind I have to catch up on all of my computer things, make ornaments for my tree (I thought paper things would be safer this year), get ready for Ava's party on Saturday (will make sure to get pictures of her very red Chinese New Year theme), finish Christmas shopping, wrap gifts, go to therapist (she keeps canceling due to illness), go get biopsy from derm, make dentist appt., get mammogram, get rabies shot for cats, celebrate Christmas again on the 27th, New Years, and then just anguish until spring so I can play golf again. Anyone else exhausted. I'm sure there are a bazillion more things that will come up in the next week or two oh yes I forgot, I have a doctors appointment for Ava during all this as well. It's only 2 weeks. Okay now my head is spinning and I'm slowly starting to freak out, my therapist better not cancel on me tonight, I NEED my session.

So I Went to the Dermatologist Yesterday

2008-11-20T08:56:00.004-05:00

I really went because I'm very hormonal and my skin is freaking out. Mostly with pigmentation not acne. This is the first time I'm not going to the dermatologist for acne, gosh I'm getting old. Apparently the doctor felt the same way and started rattling off suggestions of retinoids, botox and restalyn. Well I can't do any of the above since I'm still nursing but I did come home with a prescription of some type of cream used for rosacea that will help my dispigmented face. Let me tell you, my skin looks quite pretty this morning. I did have a full body scan for sun damage and I didn't expect anything, big mistake right there, and he found a spot that has to be removed. Just one and his reaction was immediate. I didn't really expect anything to be found and, me, with all the thoughts going around in my head, never added skin cancer to the list. I am still in denial and haven't considered it. I'm sure after they biopsy it, it will come back negative.

I also had my yearly gyno exam. I have to start mammograms now. When did I get to this age. I feel like I was just 16 yesterday. Where does the time go. I guess you waste so much time trying to find out who you are, by the time you do you're all saggy and hanging on the floor and you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

Huge Breakthroughs

2008-11-14T10:19:00.002-05:00

I guess it helps that I have always been extremely introspective and aware of everything I do. It's part of the beating myself up process as well but ironically it has helped me. My therapist had me focus on my anger the past two weeks. I was to acknowledge what the triggers were and what actually physically happens to me when I get angry. Well there are two triggers. One is fear. Fear brings on panic attacks. I stop the panic attacks by getting angry. I had one of these and realize that what did happen and what could have happened are two different things (genius I know) and that I shouldn't get angry over what did NOT happen. HUGE. I was able to stop the anger. The second is my control issue/self deprecating anger. This one is the tougher one. This is were something doesn't happen the way that I have it pictured in my head. Subconsciously I believe it is because it was something that I failed at because I just can't do anything right and I will never be perfect enough to gain control of myself. It's a little hard to explain. It's not really the loss of control that bothers me it's really the idea that things didn't go the way they were expected to because I did something wrong. This is what I was told basically in those words by my parents. I'm actually kind of glad that I blame myself instead of others because if it were the other way around I would believe that there was nothing wrong with me and never gotten myself into therapy. See HUGE!

The second anger however is different because I feel this surge of adrenaline and I grab onto it. It is a drug for me. Even though I know I don't want it my body needs it. I feel the welling up of rage and it feels good even though it doesn't realistically (confusing I know). The anger allows me to punish myself and hurt myself because I'm really angry at just myself not at the person (husband) that I'm unleashing my anger on.

I was put to the "test" by my mother in law just yesterday before my session. I realized before I could get angry that she wasn't saying certain things to offend me personally (translated in my head as "I must not be worthy enough for her to recognize or accept my idea or opinion") but because she has her own issues going on inside her own head that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I felt the anger rush and was able to just let it go. Oh my god, you have no idea how ecstatic, happy, amazed and proud of my self I am.

I've always been an angry person and I've always hated it. I realize now that anger is my compulsion. I thought it was a really defective personality flaw but now I know it is something I can conquer. Told you, HUGE. My therapist recognized that I have been working really hard and believes that I will be successful in defeating the OCD beast. I just want to be the person I have always dreamed of being

Snow, Spiders and Shelves Oh My!

2008-11-02T14:14:00.017-05:00

What to start with first. Let's start with the snow that New Jersey received on October 28, 2008. Yes October. Now this may be normal for other states but not for New Jersey. We had over 6 inches of snow. A few miles north of us had over a foot of snow. They had to close some of the major highways because we just weren't prepared. Here is a picture taken from my front door:

This is just plain wrong! Beautiful but wrong.

Next are the crappy pictures I took in Halloween. I finally learned how to use my camera and apparently I need lessons on how to focus. I can't move that fast to figure everything out and get great shots but oh well I'll have to break out the costumes and do a re-shoot I guess.

Damien as Spiderman

Ava as a spider

The Spider and Spiderman together

The Spider Witch and the Bug

And here is what happen when I turn my back for 30 seconds. Mind you the little one instigated this. Is it obvious why the bottom 3 shelves are bare to begin with?

I actually had this post ready 2 days ago but Photobucket and Blogger sometimes do not play well together and it wouldn't put the correct size photos up. It used to work just fine but now I haven't a clue. I found what works though so now I know for next time unless they fix it. I tried in both firefox and IE. Technology sucks.

No Catchy Title Here

2008-10-30T10:41:00.002-04:00

I don't have half a brain left to come up with something witty to title this entry with. Therapy is going well. My therapist actually told me she looks forward to my sessions. Should I take that as a compliment? I've always been very introspective so to a psychologist my progress is amazing. Usually they don't get anywhere in a few short weeks. Apparently I'm doing my therapy backwards but it still works. Most people in my situation start with medication and then work on behavioral therapy. I've pretty much got everything out into therapy so I figure once medication starts voila, I'll be normal. Being angry and fearful all the time really takes its toll on you. My body is wonky right now to begin with due to hormonal changes I'm sure. My face is breaking out like I'm 15 again and my hair is all frizzy. My nails look great all of a sudden though. I'm waiting for my period to come back and you know it will come back with a vengeance during the middle of the day in a crowded place while I'm wearing light colored pants and no available protection. Just you watch, it will happen!

I'm starting to wean my little peanut but it is breaking my heart. I still have a couple more months but then the baby stops and the toddler starts. I don't know now if we will have a third child and it is a little sad. My daughter has started to drink from a sippy cup. It reminds me of scenes from the movie Airplane!, at least I think it was that movie. Someone has a drinking problem and the problem is that liquid doesn't get into their mouth. If you've never seen the movie then I know I've just lost you. Anyhow, she lifts of the cup sucks a whole bunch down and then smiles as it all dribbles back out of her mouth. Doesn't quite have the hang of it but proud of her self none the less.

Just wanted to give a little update. Next post will be pictures of the OVER 6 INCHES OF SNOW we got in OCTOBER. Crazy! And of course pictures of the kids in their Halloween best. I will be going as a witch so sorry no costume for me.

Beating My Head Against the Wall

2008-10-19T08:24:00.003-04:00

Or so I would like to. First let me just say that Ava I believe is teething. She has had a slight fever the past couple of days and is immensely cranky. I feel bad for her because she must be feeling miserable. I was exhausted going to bed on Friday night and actually fell asleep before 11:30 pm. For me that's huge. Of course, I woke up at 4am because I felt that Ava was very warm. Got up gave her medicine and went back to sleep. I slept until almost 9. You would think that I wouldn't be tired. Well I was. 11pm last night I was exhausted again. I just had to stay up to watch the first half hour of SNL. So midnight the baby and I head off to sleep. Poor thing still has a fever and, you can tell just feels crappy. I wasn't able to fall asleep. As tired as I was I couldn't fall asleep. My thoughts have been really bad the past couple of weeks and last night it was just spiraling. I kept drifting off and then a thought, not a dream, would jolt me awake. Finally, just before 2am I fell asleep. Then I woke up a 4 am. No reason just awake. I've never had this problem before. I lay there for an hour with thoughts going through my head again and by 5 am just got out of bed.

I realized how I can truly understand the thought process of what people with other conditions go through. I don't actually want to harm myself but you know how you see the crazy people portrayed on TV or in the movies beating their head against the wall? Well, I realize they do it to stop the thoughts or their thought process. I do know that this doesn't help but some times you start to feel so desperate about losing your mind that you just don't know what else to do. So you succumb to physical solutions.

I am an odd OCD type person. I have many obsessions but very few to no compulsions. I have absolutely no contamination obsessions (most people can identify OCD with this because its the germaphobic person washing their hands all the time). I just have these thoughts of horrific death or my irresponsibility causing death of others and no way to stop or subdue them. I love when people say well just stop thinking about it. Well wouldn't I LOVE to. Much of my thought process has to do with lack of self worth. I didn't even know how much I do not value myself. I have to admit that I have been binging a lot lately. I'm walking a very fine line with bulemia right now. What is stopping me is that I get it. I binge because shoving that disgusting crappy food that I wouldn't normally eat in my face and making myself fat is what I deserve because I "feel" that I deserve to be an ugly fat pig so no one will love me. After the binge you feel so sick physically and mentally at how irrational the binge was and if you perge it it will just make it all go away and you can be normal again. I even understand the people that have a need to cut. You feel all these awful thoughts going through your head and you think physical pain can stop it because you deserve to be hurt because that is all you are worth, you are only worth the pain that you cause other people. You feel this way even if it isn't true.

Keep in mind that I just understand these things not the I want to or will do them. I have a blessed life which actually makes it harder because I feel like I don't deserve it and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't get me wrong I do not walk around all day feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even realize I didn't for worthy. Its mostly subconscious. If you know me in real life you would never ever depict me this way. My main problem right now is brain wiring/chemical imbalance whatever you want to call it. So even though I have had this major break through I am still going to need medication. I am now not afraid of the medication knowing exactly what it is supposed to do for me. It is supposed to keep me from wanting to beat my head against the wall.

A Time to Share

2008-10-04T10:37:00.003-04:00

This is a little weird for me but I wanted to share a couple of links that I shop at. No I don't get anything for giving these links but with the holidays coming if you are looking for gifts these two links are fabulous. No, they are not the cheapest places but they are well worth the money.

The first is the Candy Apple Shoppe. They use these huge Granny Smith apples which I believe they get from the farm across the street. Yes it really is that fresh. My husband has walked out with one made 10 minutes prior. It's not your typical drizzling of toppings. These things are packed! I highly recommend the "Rocky Road"

The second place is Swan Creek Candle Co. I know you are thinking what the heck do I need candles for. These candles are different. Until I purchased one of these from a local store I stopped burning candles all together. These can fill a huge room of scent. They have a bazillion scents and they have refill packages if you have your own candle holders or empty jars. All you need is a microwave. For the summer I really like the Mojito or Sun Bleached Driftwood. For the fall I have Brandied Cherries that I'm burning now. OMG! Yummy! They are Soybean wax and made in the USA and they last forever. I recommend the smaller containers so you can change scents sooner and try them all out. Then when you find the one you can't live without buy a huge one. They also give you a freebie with every order. It looks like they take into account what you've purchased and add a scent you might actually want to try. Very cool.

I almost forgot I'm editing my post to add Etsy. All things handmade and very cool. If you can't find just what you want here then forget it or ask someone yo make it for you!

Anyone have any great ideas or sites they would like to share for gift giving?

Little Martha Washington

2008-09-30T21:39:00.003-04:00

I didn't realize when I picked out this christening gown that she would look so much like Martha Washington. The whole front were these ruffles of eyelet. I thought it was cute. Compared to some of the other gold and organza monstrosities that were there I thought it wasn't too bad. I unfortunately got about 5 pictures because it was a mess. First it was raining and we had to stay in the entryway of the church for over an hour because they were having the Feast of St. Michael and then they finally decided to rush us around back and crammed a lot of very rude family members of 6 babies in a 20 x 20 area. I had the wrong lens on my camera and couldn't stand back far enough to get pictures. With all the rude people rushing the baptismal area with their cameras I was lucky that the godparent's were even part of the ceremony. I was holding Ava and some idiot tried to push me out of the way. They were doing all 6 babies at the same time and the priest almost missed one because she and the godfather were pushed out of the crowd and had no idea what was going on. Luckily another dad and I noticed and made sure he finished blessing her. I'm lucky I was in a church because there was a confessional at the other end that I would need to confess all of the sins I was about to commit.

I know you may think I'm a hypocrite for even considering baptism since I do not go to church or practice any religion and most days I contemplate if god even exists (that's really an OCD thing not an atheist thing) but I figure one, my MIL appreciates it and two, I figure if she wants to practice Catholicism then she has her start. I try not to discuss religion too much. I think it is one of those very personal things that are better left undiscussed in casual settings. I respect, greatly, people that have strong convictions as long as they are not forcing the issue on me. I would never force the issue with any one else.

On to a lighter subject PICTURES all 2 of them I'm afraid. Notice the little "diamonds" in her ears. I got her ears pierced last Thursday. They aren't even red. She didn't cry when her first ear was done and I think that actually put the girl in shock. Then after the second ear she cried about 30 seconds and then nothing. She looks so cute now, not that she didn't before but now I don't have to answer "yes she's a girl". I tend not to dress her in pink that often. I even have a green camo outfit that if it wasn't for the gold threaded "cutie" on the front you would think it was a boys shirt.

In all her Martha Washington greatness

Scatter Brained

2008-09-25T12:54:00.003-04:00

My head is all over the place lately. I'm starting to think I'm bipolar instead of OCD (I'm really just joking here). I have all these ideas and projects in my head now. My friend's first reaction was "great that will keep your mind off of the intrusive thoughts". Well it does but now my mind is focused on things that MUST be done. Now I can't sleep unless I get things accomplished and I'm cranky and my head spins and sometimes I don't even know where to start. I hate this feeling. I am constantly anxious. I don't want to do certain "fun" things like shopping or going out to dinner or just going to the park because I need to stay home and reorganized my closet or paint my library or hang curtains. It feels, physically, like I have had way too much coffee for the day and mentally I'm just spinning. I'm functioning normally on the outside but not too many people see me so I don't have to be normal a lot of the time.

I've chewed my nails off and have become increasingly forgetful because I just can't think straight. I went and picked up paint from the store and leaving the parking lot I hear "Don't Drive, Don't Drive!" from the back of the car. I stop short and my son comes flying up to the front. "Strap Me In, Strap Me In" He bumped his knee but he is okay. I FORGOT to buckle him in. I put Ava-son in the car and buckled her in jumped in the car and took off. I don't know whether to be more thankful that I was going 5 miles an hour in the parking lot, that my son knows the value of being buckled in his seat (ok this I'm really proud of though) or that I didn't leave him outside of the car standing in the parking lot. The thoughts that are going through my head just recounting this episode, ugh.

To top it off I'm freaking out because between now and the end of the year I have a Christening, 5 birthdays, my birthday, my anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all 5 animals going to the vets, 2 new car seats to buy, a few new clothing items because I can't wear sweats to the Christening on Sunday, pictures of the kids oh yeah, and freaking Halloween too. One of those 5 birthdays is my father in law's which is TODAY and I FORGOT it, apparently so did my husband. Okay writing this is making me freak out even more and it's almost making me sick to my stomach.

See, head spinning.

On a good note, everybody is doing well, very happy and my poison ivy completely cleared. And it's officially AUTUMN!!! I can't wait until the leaves turn a little more so I can take some pictures with my newly learned camera skills. Stay tuned for pictures!

Poison Ivy

2008-09-17T11:18:00.002-04:00

Just lovely. I have poison ivy completely covering the right side of my face. At first we were concerned that it was shingles because it is known to affect one side of the face. I could have had a repeat of my Bell's Palsy on the other side of my face from this. Just great. Since I do not have intense pain, fever, or any other symptom of shingles I am pretty certain its just poison ivy. We drew blood to make sure. I just can't figure out why it is only on my face. It isn't on my hands or my legs or arms. I played golf on Sunday and kept thinking how dirty the course was - I was literally covered in a film of dirt and I wiped the right side of my face. It would make a little more sense if my hand and/or arm was covered as well but no just the entire right side of my face. I have one spot on my left cheek but I can't tell if it's just a pimple or not. It started to form on Monday late morning and didn't start itching until today.

I can only figure I must have been very vain in a past life or I have really retarded luck. I vote on the retarded luck. I bet you are all feeling just a little bit itchy now aren't you?

Our Little Fallen Hero - an Ode to Pepper

2008-09-13T10:38:00.003-04:00

Pepper was my SIL's dog. Pepper was not their dog, Pepper was Pepper. He had people status in our family. He was a very quirky husky/chow type mix that was found in my SIL's shed when he was 6 months old. We think someone just dropped him off in the woods. They brought him to the pound with strict instructions that they were to be notified on the seventh day if his owners never came forward. You see, my SIL had been looking into getting a German Shepard and that day was ready to shell out $1500 for a pure bred. Well Pepper was not exactly a Shepard but had the fuzzy coat and coloring like one, so close enough. According to them it was fate. Pepper loved scraps and people food but would never ever touch a cold cut (makes you think twice about eating them yourself) He kept our yards safe from bear and possums and gophers. He greeted everyone at the front door with zest. In public he would lean on you even if he didn't know you or he would literally hug your leg (there was no dominance humping involved just a big ole hug) When he got nervous he would go sit in the shower. No one knows why he chose to go there. We used to joke that he used to see ghosts and the shower was his safe place. My SIL used to have conversations with him and sometimes she swears he was about to say something back. My son used to ask to call them on the phone so he could talk to Pepper. Pepper really was a family member and last night they found a tumor on his heart.

Last night Pepper had to go over Rainbow Bridge and wait for the rest of us. Pepper you were the funniest, quirkiest and most loved dog I've ever met. You will be so missed. When my son calls you on his pretend phone I hope he can hear your love and you his. Know that we all love and miss you.

RIP Pepper 9/12/08

Rain rain go away

2008-09-06T14:28:00.003-04:00

Such an original title I know especially when all we have of the "hurricane" is lots of rain. Unfortunately today was the day hubby was on call for the ER which means he leaves the house late and doesn't get home until midnight. The worst of this storm was supposed to sweep from the west of the state to the east from 3:30 until around 9pm of course when and in what direction do you think hubby is traveling today. So now you all know I will be a nervous wreck with intrusive thoughts of worst case scenario all day. I also have limited things to do with my ACTIVE children. We are already contemplating things to do with our kids during the winter. Looks like we will all be a bit stir crazy today. I'm just hoping the power does not go out. That would just suck royally. No television, no internet, no music (you would think I would have something battery operated but no) NO LIGHTS to really do anything with kids that won't sit still and no way to cook. I may just move into my car. There are lights, a dvd player, radio, drive through for food and most importantly a way to strap the kids in. Please power don't go out!

Shake Your Booty, Shake Your Booty Yeah!

2008-08-19T20:16:00.003-04:00

The title is the little ditty that I sing to my Booger Face to get her to dance when she stands up. If you sing or she sees you dance she does this little dance. I didn't believe it at first but as a parents duty you must experiment with your child and make them do things they don't realize are humiliating until later on in life. The best is when she is holding on to the bars of the gate and scenes of "Chicago" pass through my mind. Snot Nose on the other had has decided that he is not red spider-man or black spider-man or even Peter Parker (yes he refers to himself as Peter Parker, first and last name always) but now he is Damien the Green Gobb-o-lin. And he has also decided that he can fly. He jumps from table to couch to floor. You can only imagine what I'm doing.

Had a bad week mentally. I won't get in to specifics but it was a lot of awful thoughts, a lot of anger and a lot of bitching at my poor husband. My therapy is going well and my therapist is giving me some workbooks to help control my intrusive thoughts and anger. However, she did mention that once I finish breastfeeding I should really consider medication. I don't know how to take that but I agree. Every thing feeds everything else and you can't tell which came first the chicken or the egg. I ache for nights of full rest and laid back days. I just can't stand being this person any more because it's just not me. I know exactly who I want to be when I grow up but I'm having a hard time getting there. If or when I do go on medication I hope they give me something good!

Balloon Festivals, Beaches and More - Picture Intensive!

2008-08-05T09:48:00.002-04:00

So I've been going a billion miles an hour lately because my husband and I don't take vacations we have to do everything possible in that is available to us in the tri state area. Why we have to do everything, including every carnival and fair, I don't get but hey, it keeps me busy. (I don't have therapy until Aug. 12th *shudders*)

Anyway sometimes when we do things we hit a home run and if you have never been to a balloon festival I suggest you find one and go. Its one of the coolest things to watch a "launch". I will let the pictures speak for themselves.

This is the launch

This is after a few minutes in the air

These are some of the best balloons

I just thought this was funny

Unfortunately the Energizer Bunny didn't keep going and never got off the ground

The Barn, parts were actually sticking out. On the other side I think it was cow and horse butt

Noah's Arc

My son's favorite. He freaked when he couldn't "go up to the sun in the soda can"

This is actually two balloons attached. You can see the 2 baskets. They were able to bring the bees together to kiss it was amazing.

And this was my favorite. He waited until the end and surprised everyone because he was down the hill and you couldn't see him until he too off.

Had to throw my kids in.

Ava's first trip to the beach. Notice she won't stay put and no she did not eat the sand surprisingly.

The most covered person on the beach anywhere. He would NOT take of his shoes shirt or hat. Every time a wave hit him he kept screaming "I'm going backwards!"

And lastly at 7 months old this is the only way my daughter will sit up. If I put her butt on the floor she can't sit up but that's because.........

SHE'S TOO BUSY STANDING UP!!!!!!!!!

Better Than I Should Be

2008-07-24T09:44:00.002-04:00

First I want everyone to know that I am sorry I haven't been very good with keeping up with noting the last couple of weeks. I sit down to do one thing and get side tracked to a thousand other but I suppose we have all been there.

Second I want to make sure everyone knows that I am not in some deep dark awful place even though my postings may seem that way. No its not all flowers and hearts right now and I need a lot of work but my life is in a good place even though my mindset is not. Maybe that is why everything is manifesting itself now, because there is no need to have to cope with extreme stresses my mind has nothing better to do than show me its time to heal. Sometimes it may be hard to read if I decide to share what is really going on in my mind. I have to get it out and "purge" it because if I don't it just festers. I know a lot of people will say "just stop doing it" but if it were that easy I would in a heartbeat but it just doesn't work that way, hence the therapy.

Finally after 2 weeks I had another therapy appointment. I needed it. My next appointment isn't for another 3 weeks and I started to panic in the office last night. Part of me thinks, "wow my therapist must be really good if she is so booked up" and then the other part is thinking "how can she let fragile patients wait so long in between visits" and then another part thinks "boy am I hungry I should have eaten before I left".

I am on a waiting list for an appointment and boy I'm sure hoping I can get one. I feel a little "Monkish" (yes meaning the show Monk) that I slightly panicked not being able to get an appointment.

My appointment went well and I never realized how much crap I really had to endure. I still have severe sleeping habits and she told me I looked very tired. I tried to go to bed early last night. In my time early means 1:30am instead of 3 am. Well needless to say I didn't fall asleep until after 3am. My therapist did tell me that with everything I have had happen in my life she is actually surprised that I am as stable and well functioning as I am. As funny as that sounds it was pretty encouraging. You have to understand that I was taught by my father, stepmother and other family members that it was my fault that things happened and I caused all this misery for myself and others. It is almost like I was treated differently like I was a bad person or a bad seed. I don't know what it was that lead everyone to come to this conclusion but that's how I have felt since I was five. Now don't get me wrong, I do understand that ultimately I am responsible for myself and how I turned out but it was encouraging to have someone else point out that other people did have influence and I am not to completely to blame for my issues.

Sometimes I look at my life and think it's almost so ridiculous that maybe I imagined all these things and made them up and maybe I am really crazy. My therapist, because it is her job to take these statements seriously, told me that I remember too many details about events to have made them up. Knowing that all of those traumatic events were real and showed the issues of the other people that influenced my life ironically made me feel better about myself. It was very encouraging for someone else to point out that other people were crappy to me and they were wrong for it. It was encouraging to learn I am NOT a bad person. I feel I am a really great person, I just need to get her out from under all the weight of these issues I carry around.

1st Therapy Appointment

2008-07-10T09:18:00.003-04:00

So I had my first therapy appointment. If I didn't have such a good sense of humor I would probably be in a corner crying about my life right now. I didn't even finish discussing all of my issues in a 60 minute session with her. I have LOTS of issues. She said, and I quote, "At least you're not boring!" She did help me to realize that I am not the "bad seed" in my family because they are all crazy too and need to be in therapy. Apparently we should each have our pictures under a different disorder in some text book somewhere. I almost didn't make it into the session though. I got there, paid my copay and sat down. There were several people in the waiting room and all of a sudden I started to freak out. Quietly in my own head freak out. I felt extremely anxious and I just wanted to get up and leave. I don't know if its because I felt like everyone was looking at me like I was a crazy freak (I'm leaning more toward this) or I thought they were all freaks and it was creeping me out.

The funniest part of the whole thing was when I was leaving she asked the receptionist to schedule another 60 minute session. (I'm surprised it wasn't 120 minute session) The receptionist asked me is this for next week? I told her is assumed so, I hope she didn't mean this week. The receptionist (and I) thought this was funny. So maybe I don't look as crazy as I feel. Unfortunately, my therapist is all backed up from being out from foot surgery so I have to wait 2 weeks for my next appointment. I almost started to panic again and quickly caught myself by thinking, my god I'm just like Monk on TV. I crack myself up.

And the Diagnosis is....

2008-07-06T21:51:00.002-04:00

So I went for my first appointment. I am moderate OCD but it looks like I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Believe it or not they are two separate disorders. My shrink actually told me that I should read up on what I have. Then he hit me with a bomb. He believes that I need to start taking medication but I can not breastfeed. And I'm not talking 1 medication he believes that it would be 3 minimum and he also believes that I may have ADD as well due to some other symptoms that don't fit with OCD. He said it was common for OCD'ers to have things like ADD accompanying. So now we are talking a minimum of 4 medications.

Well I'm sorry but I need at least 5 more months nursing my daughter. I just can't stop. Even if I was willing to put her on formula the hormonal changes and physical changes from stopping would be huge challenges in themselves. My compromise was to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for at least 5 months and then I will reevaluate. However, he did stress that most people with OCD do not respond to therapy without medication and Ihave to be careful because OCD is a progressive disease and since I am having anger problems he seems a little more concerned. So now I have my first appointment with my therapist who is a psychologist on Tuesday.

I have to laugh though because while I was telling him was wrong he kept making noises, ya know those little noises that people make when they are taken aback, or over concerned by what you are saying. I wanted to say "is it really that bad". A little unprofessional but funny none the less.

No padded room for me yet!

Breathe, Just Breathe

2008-07-03T09:52:00.003-04:00

So they had on one of those channels (Oxygen or WE can't remember) The Secret Lives of Women and it was all about OCD. I'm pretty sure that is part of my problem but I'm not completely sure. It's definitely not stuck in the grieving process from the death of my mother 23 years ago. I was asked if what type of therapist I was seeing and I will be seeing a psychiatrist.

When I was in high school they had me see a councilor to deal with the death. It was a group session once or twice a week and I was in it for a (school) year. I think back and don't really remember much about it. I wasn't so depressed about my mothers death as I was having to live with my stepmother. I mean I was upset about losing my family but even then I realize that I had to accept and move on. Of course when your 12/13 no one believes you can do that. My major problems were anxiety and depression due to my living arrangements with "the parents". All my control issues begin there. I did really well in high school and I was a highly motivated person with all the hopes and dreams and I was focused and creative and ambitious. I was always on time and got all my work done.

Fast forward to college and I started procrastinating, skipping classes, never did my work. I had lost myself somewhere and had no motivation. I couldn't come up with a creative idea to save my life (I still can't). All the joy of learning and focusing was gone. I used to love to crack open a book and do homework, I know that sounds crazy but it felt like I was doing this all important search for some secret answer. I loved the smell of the books and the writing of the answers and it was always easy for me. In college I would read something and panic because I couldn't focus on it and it started to look like greek and I couldn't understand it to get through it basically because I was panicking. The same thing happened with test questions. I would study, know the stuff and then read the questions and not understand the words. After a while I just gave up. I barely squeaked by with my degree.

With all that said I felt myself drowning. I was doing a lot of other self destructing behaviors and felt I was falling apart and went to see a psychologist. Let's keep in mind that I was a psychology major and have a degree (barely) in psychology. He never even gave me a diagnosis, he decided that most of my problems stemmed from my mother dying and constantly wanted to talk about that. He never talked about my current parent problems or the problems I was having with myself. I did start feeling a little better just because I was talking to someone and then he ended therapy because he made progress and felt great about himself. I guess since you usually make very slow, little progress he wanted to end something on a good note.

I chose a psychiatrist because I wanted someone with theory backed by medical knowledge and had a more logical scientific approach with cognitive behavior. Psychologists are just too subjective backed by theory and then like to incorporate their own theories. THIS IS MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION. I remember sitting in some of my classes watching these people and thinking that many of them should never be allowed to treat another person. No, I did not decide on a psychiatrist so I can take medication. First of all, I can't take anything until I finish breastfeeding and I'm not stopping because my daughter is more important. And second I just want to really exhaust all of my options before I even consider going that route.

Can you tell by my post that I'm panicking about my appointment this weekend and that I needed to explain it to myself really. Breathe, just breathe Dena.

Nope Not a Carnie - Side Show Maybe

2008-07-01T18:46:00.002-04:00

Woo Hoo, both my kids decided to wonk out. Why at almost 7pm at night I don't know but good thing I'm a a night owl. I now have time to update.

No Jodi I did not run away but did contemplate becoming a side show attraction. I have some pictures, okay I had to tone it down because I had too many pictures. Hopefully Ava will start sitting up on her own soon so it doesn't look like I keep taking the same picture of her in the car seat wearing the white hat. There are a couple of new ones.

My one set of golf lessons ended last Thursday and my second end this Sunday. Trying to hit that stupid little white ball has become extremely addicting. I still think its a ridiculous game created just to aggravate and torment but its still addicting. I think I'm going to sign up for the intermediate lessons so I might be able to get on a course by next summer. I figure Ava will start going to school with Damien once or twice a week so then I can start playing golf. Thats it for about the "Dena Only" fun in my life.

I finally called and got my first Shrink appointment for this Saturday. I had to get an okay from insurance and then get my appointment scheduled. The receptionist asked me what the problem was. Well duh, if I knew that I wouldn't need a shrink now would I. I told her that it was anxiety issues but hind sight I should have said I was hearing voices. It probably wouldn't have been as funny as it sounds though.

Thats about it for now. Here are some pictures to leave you with.

Here are some pictures of Damien at Sesame Place, (he's still asking to go back to Big Birds House)

I think he was trying to get the whole thing in his mouth at once. He had these huge stains on his cheeks and it made him look like the Joker from Batman

Damien is obsessed with tractors and it took us an hour to get him off of this thing

They have amazing water park stuff for his age group.

Little Miss Thing as happy as a clam as always.

These are from the local carnival. The other little boy in the picture turned out to be a classmate of Damien's

They let him throw some baskets (too cute!) He didn't get one in though.

The little swings ride. I thought he was going to fall asleep on it.

And this is what Little Miss Thing thought of the whole thing

She is up on all 4's but doesn't crawl or sit up yet. The crawling thing I can wait for .

And last this is Ava at her cousin's birthday party hanging out in the jumperoo. (At least its not the car seat again)

Life on the Funny Farm

2008-06-25T15:39:00.003-04:00

Maybe I should change my blog name LOL. Yes I will always have my "unique" sense of humor no matter what I go through. If I ever lose that then you know I do truly need to be institutionalized. I think its the main reason why I portray myself to be better than I am in social situations. I have contacted a therapist who told me I need to contact my insurance, which I did so now I have to coordinate scheduling with my husband so I can make an appointment for next week. The nice thing is that my plan allows 20 outpatient visits and 30 inpatient. You can exchange inpatient for 2 outpatient, so I really have a total of 80 visits per year. If I need more than one session a week I can go (lets hope I don't need that) My copay is very high though so its not cheap but it beats paying anywhere from $125 - 250 a week. I don't know how we are going to figure this one out but lets just say Ava may be experiencing therapy before she can even talk. Hmm, this could work out for the best because you know I'm already screwing up my poor kids.

Sorry no pictures yet, I still have so many to upload but I need to get in the shower so we can go to the carnival when DH gets home.

Support and a 1st Fight Among Siblings

2008-06-20T12:19:00.002-04:00

First I wanted to thank everyone for their concern and support. I am not on the verge of complete mental collapse but we are looking for a psychiatrist that specializes in cognitive behavior. At least that is what the recommendations are. Who knows it could be something completely different. My husband still insists that he thinks I also have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. If you really analyze every little thing I think I have a little bit of everything LOL. No hallucinations or delusions of grandeur but I could actually be missing out on the fun part there.

On a lighter note my golf lessons are going much better. I am actually hitting the ball pretty well for only doing it 5 times. I really need to buy some clubs besides a putter but I have to wait to get some money. I want to buy one of those big nets so I can hit in my backyard because to get to the driving range with my husbands schedule is just crazy. They all laughed at me yesterday because I was the only woman there trying to get away from their family for a couple of hours, that's usually what the man does. All of the other woman are doing it because they want to do what their boyfriends are doing. In all honestly I think that is a crap reason to want to do something. Why can't women just do things because they want to do them for themselves.

My children, that would be my 2 and 1/2 year old and my 6 MONTH old have started to fight over toys. Yes you read that my 6 month old actively fights her brother for toys. She grabs for something he pulls away she cries. Or she has something he takes it she cries and grabs like a maniac to get it back. 6 months old. Can you even begin to imagine what my life is going to be like in another 6 months. I better get a crack on that psychiatrist. I do have to say that for the most part they do love playing together. When Damien pays attention to her it's like the sun is shining down just for her. And he loves to interact with her on his own. Its the control issues we are going to have problems with. No pictures today because I'm noticing Damien is spinning Ava around on her belly like a top. *rolling eyes and smacking forehead*

Will keep you all posted on mental status and will get pictures for you soon.

They're Coming to Take Me Away

2008-06-15T01:54:00.002-04:00

I'm officially going insane. After a huge breakdown today I truly realize my immediate need for a psychiatrist. Any quiet time I have I am bombarded with awful thoughts of death and dying and that when you are dead you just cease to exist and how can you just not exist anymore? It truly disturbs me. Do you see how ridiculous and overwhelming my thoughts are. No I'm not suicidal and no I am not having postpartum depression.

It started a few years ago when I would try to go to sleep I would get uncontrollable thoughts of me getting into car accidents and how scared I was at the thought that I may not be able to fix it if it was really bad and how scared I was to just end. Then it escalated to natural disasters, plane crashes, etc, etc, etc. Many of these things are completely irrational and would most likely never happen. It would usually only happen when I was trying to go to sleep but not all the time. Currently its 2 AM right now and I'm still up despite that fact I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep in the past week. Yes now it happens all the time but now its about 10 times worse. Now I have children of my own and now the thoughts include how could I live if something happened to my children or what if I know we are going to die and the last thing my children know is fear (already I'm starting to cry over the idea of this). I think about if I would have enough guts to sacrifice my own life for my children and then I get upset at the thought of something happening to me and leaving my children without a mother and then I grieve for them and hello I'm not dead. Its awful and day by day it gets worse. Now I no longer worry about having these thoughts before bed because now they happen all of the time. When I take a shower, when I am washing dishes, whenever I have down time and there isn't anything else to distract me. I realized that I take forever to get ready to go out and today I realized its a procrastination mechanism for me not to leave the house. I'm afraid that soon I will be too afraid to leave the house. Then I watched Damien eat a piece of food off the floor and started to over think the dirt on it and how maybe something was on it that could kill him and I started to have the urge to disinfect everything. You see where this could be leading right? I do know that to some extent that thoughts about all the bad things that could happen to your children are normal but I've know for a while that what I am doing is not normal. Today I finally was able to explain it to my husband and my one friend. I realize that this is why I take forever to get ready, why I am late everywhere and why I scream and freak out so much, especially with my two year old. For example, he will climb on the couch and I start to tell him to stop, he's 2 of course he doesn't listen, and then the thoughts start. If he doesn't stop jumping then he will bounce off and hit his head the wrong way and he'll die and I won't be able to save him. I feel the panic and the loss of control and my heart palpitates and my stomach goes in knots and I scream to be heard and freak him out so he just stops so he doesn't get hurt. I realize that I scream because of the feeling of loss of control. I freak out at myself, my child my husband.

I don't think you could even imagine how awful this feels. I just want to sit and not move,. Usually when I finally get my day started and leave the house I am okay and have things to distract me, but lately the thoughts hammer me all the time now. I just can't get away. I now cry all of the time because I am so overwhelmed and I can no longer help myself and if you try to talk to someone they just brush it off because your just "over-reacting". Well isn't that just the understatement of the year.

I know where it comes from thats pretty obvious. For those who may not know or would want to know I was in a car accident 22 years ago. My mother and infant brother were killed. I remember that when they came in to tell me I already knew. Not some "supernatural-my mothers spirit was saying goodbye" knowing. I could tell because of how somber everyone was and how they spoke about the "woman" and the "infant" and how quiet it was. That and the awful looks of heartbreaking pity I was getting from everyone. I was only 12 but I wasn't stupid. By the time someone finally had to get the nerve to tell me I had already known and accepted that I was going to hear that they were dead.

The one thing I don't understand is why is all of this escalating now. I assume in part because I have children now but I was not this bad with Damien. Maybe its because I have a little girl of my own now and I'm so afraid she will lose me like I lost my mother and I don't want her to feel that loss. Luckily her daddy is a much better man than my father and would never remarry a jerk like my step mother. But there I go again why should I even think about who my husband would remarry. I just want to feel whole and live life and be happy. I don't want to sit in my house and be isolated and afraid. I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN TO END UP LIKE I AM NOW.

For those of you who know me you may be a little surprised by this but I'm sorry, I was in desperate need to purge this and put it out there. I'm still here and not completely enveloped by this but I need to take action before I lose myself completely and I will not let that happen. I'm a little lost and overwhelmed right now so please keep me in your thoughts and wish me luck.

It's not appropriate right now but I have some new pics of the kiddies that I will post at another time. All this spewing and purging needs to be left to itself.

Golf, Great Book and Really Not Much Else

2008-06-04T21:57:00.003-04:00

Nope, no one is sick physically. Mentally I think we are all infected with something. Ava is great gave her a little cereal and she loves the whole dynamics of eating. Its very cute. She is such a good little girl. Always so happy and laughing. Damien is still a little terror. Napoleon comes to mind. There are days when he never stops talking and/or moving. Yes part of me is jealous that I want that energy but for the love of god for 5 minutes just stop. He even moves and talks in his sleep. As obnoxious as he is and as bad of a parent I am I still can't believe how much this little kid loves me. He's so proud that I'm his mom. I get sad thinking that one day he'll be a teenager and hate me.

In me news, I took up golf lessons. I can put pretty well. I have another lesson tomorrow. I also upgraded my phone to a crackberry. I don't recommend it if you get addicted to gadgets hence the crackberry reference. And with the 80's gold gone I bought a new little digi camera so I've been taking a ton more pictures. Yes thats the excitement of my bourgeois life.

I did read a great book. It's called "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" by Mark Haddon. It runs along the same lines as "Catcher in the Rye" by Salinger. Its written in the point of view of a 15 year old autistic boy. Let me tell you that when you finally get to the end of the book the last two sentences pull the whole idea together and make you LOVE it. But don't spoil it and read that first because then you just won't get the same great feeling.

I will leave you off with some pictures of my cuties and for a special treat one has me in it and yes my face is STILL crooked from the Bell's Palsy.

Damien with lovely ice cream ALL OVER

A random picture that DH took.

Damien playing at the park - his most favoritest thing to do.

Little Miss Hollywood as I like to call her. If you look closely you can see me, the dork, taking the picture in the right (her left) lens.

And finally warped face me and the little one.

Bloggety Blog Blog and OCD

2008-05-22T09:33:00.002-04:00

After watching an episode of Oprah, yeah, thanks Oprah, I realize that I truly do have OCD - badly. I realized that I never realized that some of my behaviors are really OCD. I used to joke about it but never thought of seeking help because I didn't know they were signs of truly bad OCD. I told my husband this and he said I was becoming one of those people. I asked what people and he said those people that read about something or watch something and then boom they have it. I told him thats not true I have always openly admitted that something was wrong with me but I thought it was just a combination of a terrible childhood and bad parenting and that I just had issues. I mean I can function in everyday life, how bad could it be. My husband lovingly told me he was booking my room tomorrow at a very nice place so I wouldn't be a threat to anyone. Nice that he takes me seriously. Or he really did take me seriously and I might be carted off any moment now.

The kids are great no one has been sick in a couple of weeks now - woo hoo! Except for me that is but that is my own damn fault for not getting enough sleep. I also took advantage of the price of gold and sold my stash from the 1980's. I know that some people my have many emotional attachments to their jewelry but this stuff was sitting in a little baggy for YEARS. $700.00 later bye bye 1989! I found out that my stepmother got ripped off on a ring she had made for me - the citrine stones were fake. How could you fake a cheap stone to begin with. Thank god it's all gone. I have one more ring that I have been debating selling or not. I don't really wear it, maybe once a year, but I still like it.

Hope all of you out there are doing well!

Ugh

2008-05-02T19:08:00.003-04:00

I was going to post a couple days ago with some pictures but then I got side tracked. I was then going to take some pictures of Ava and of the two of my kids together and post those too but I got a call from Damien's school and of course he is puking all over the place and is still puking. I needed a break from the clean up so now I'm posting and letting all of you share in my misery. It is May isn't it? Shouldn't this have stopped for a few months? Apparently it spread like wildfire and a whole class was home sick and throughout the day one child got sick after another. Iwould really love a whole month of no one sick at all. I think I've earned it by now.

We will all just have to be happy with pictures of just Ava for now. Enjoy!

These are the most recent pictures of her at 3 months. Yes I need to get 4 month pictures soon.

Can you tell that she is a very happy baby.

These are 2 month old pictures. The last one is hysterical and a nice image to end on.

How funny is this!

Just Not Feeling It

2008-04-18T09:49:00.003-04:00

Yes everyone here is still sick. The baby came down with Croup on Tuesday night and had a little fever yesterday but the doctor said it was just a cold and gave her all her vaccines anyway. She is perfectly fine other that a few extra boogers and Damien still has a cough but that too seems to be finally fading away.

The purpose for this entry is not to update you on my families health though its to let everyone know I am still alive but other than catching up on a few posts on other blogs and to write this one I just don't feel like being on the computer any more. I feel like it takes up too much useful time and I just want to go and play with my children. I used to feel like I was missing out on something if I didn't get on at least once a day but now I just want to get up and go and do things. I haven't been posting on any forums or blogs simply because I don't feel like taking the time. I have been reading everyone so don't think I forgot about you. I think it may be one of those mid life crisis ( a little early though) where I need to go find myself. I have been looking for 35 years now and just recently found a little part that has sparked me to go look for more. So if I'm not around it isn't because I want to completely cut my self off from the electronics its because I want to stop cutting myself off from the real world.

A Quicky

2008-03-27T21:41:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am still alive, barely. We were all busy for a few weeks and now we are all sick. Damien has had a really high fever on and off for over a month now and Ava has a bad cough and is on nebulizer treatments and I'm just suffering with a head and chest cold. I can't wait for warmer weather. Wish us health and hope to write some of my juicy details of my life soon.

Losing Brain Function

2008-02-29T15:59:00.004-05:00

Okay, this week has been not so bad. I didn't get a chance to bake but I will in the next two weeks and my project are this little cupcakes that are made to look like cherry pies. You bake cupcakes that come only 2/3 rds of the way up and then fill in the rest of the cup with cherry pie filling and then you pipe on icing to look like pie crust. Too cute. My way too skinny, supermodel SIL can't say no to cherry pie. Its the only desert she will hide from other people and hoard it all to herself. Her birthday is coming up and I needed an excuse to send these somewhere and well how perfect could it be!

I went out to lunch with her and my MIL and I kept losing track of my thoughts and when leaving I get trying to get out the wrong door. It was enough for both of them to notice and they told me that they needed to get me out more and how this baby REALLY sucked out all my brain cells. It's bad. I feel not so claustrophobic today though so that's a plus. I also have a lot more energy back. I think a lot has to do with my realization of what's really wrong with me. I always thought it was hormonal or that I was depressed but actually I have a slight case of OCD and anxiety disorder of some sort. Now when I say OCD I don't mean the germ phobic part of it I mean that need to do ritualistic habits (for really no apparent reason) to make everything "feel" okay in my world. I noticed this a while ago. I have tried to not do certain things, that in reality, would not affect life one way or another but I can't do it. For instance, because I'm sure someone reading this would be curious, when I put the laundry away all the hangers and clothes must be facing the same direction they must all be hung by color and then by lighter to darker with in each color category. Right now my closet goes from brown to ivory to white to grey to black to red to blue to green. I may change the order of the colors but I have more neutral than anything. I used to go from black to grey to blue but I couldn't handle the white not coming after the gray. Really weird I know. Anxiety too is weird for me. Its not like I have a specific fear (except for flying) and even that if I'm absolutely forced to I can do it. But I realized that when I get anxious I get angry and nasty. All this time I thought it was because I was depressed and just not happy with life. I am happy with life, I'm just scared of it. Mostly scared of irrational things that most likely wouldn't happen. Some of them are healthy fears amplified just a little too much. I feel so much better with my personal epiphany. Now I just need to learn how to deal with it. As soon as I can leave Ava with someone I will most likely see a therapist. My wonderful insurance allows me over 52 visits a year so if the therapist decides I'm really screwed up I can go a couple times a week for a few weeks. I hope everyone realizes that was a joke and I shouldn't really need more than once a week.

To celebrate my road to recovery I moved my living room furniture around. Woo Hoo! I didn't tell DH I was doing it and its really different than what we've had in the last 6 years. It was a lot of work to do by myself believe it or not but it was fun and made me happy so to me it was a big deal. I'm off to go to the garage to get my Keurig order, I splurged on lots of different flavored coffees. Its that coffee maker that makes one cup at a time. LOVE IT!!

No cupcakes today.

2008-02-26T23:06:00.003-05:00

I'm sad. My Penzey's order didn't come. Its a spice place on the internet that I order from and I ordered some of their cocoa powder to see how it was and I was hoping it would come today. Sigh. My post office sucks! So maybe tomorrow. I keep eating the left over chocolate buttercream icing instead of practicing with it. I think my one friend is jealous because she has all the stuff to do this too and doesn't have any time. That's because she has a life and well I just don't. Don't be jealous Tara, really I'm just a sad cliche of a SAHM. I wish sometimes I was just a little more exciting. Don't get me wrong I love my love. It is a VERY good life. I just need to get out more. I think I'm starting to suffer from cabin fever and need to get outdoors.

Does anyone else get like this near the end of winter?

What was I thinking

2008-02-22T12:43:00.006-05:00

As I stepped on the scale today for the life of me I couldn't conceive of why would I want to bake and decorate cake of all things. I am highly addicted to cake. It is my one major weakness in the world of foods that you should not eat. But as I did with smoking, I am not going to separate myself from it, I am just going to overcome it and rise above temptation. I think quitting smoking was easier. This is going to be a long, barbaric and torturous ordeal. I feel the outcome is win win though. I overcome my need to devour cake, still lose weight, and end up being able to make beautiful things to give to others. IT WILL WORK.

On another note its snowing like crazy here we are do for 3-6 inches. It was supposed to turn over to an ice mix but I'm hoping its stays snow. It's so much easier to deal with. Snow also means that we are all home together. That is a true rarity in this house. All four of us under one roof at the same time ALL DAY. Whoopee! Hence, I get extra computer time today. I also get a chance to make risotto today (do we all notice the obsession with food I have).

Cupcakes Anyone?

2008-02-21T16:11:00.002-05:00

So here are a bunch of pictures of the cupcakes that I made. I ate only the mistakes and gave one to my son. I was only practicing with one decorator tip to see if I could handle even just the basics. Not bad for the first time I think. Of course I had to do everything in chocolate so my husand took all the ones left in the picture to work for everyone else to eat. So for my future ones we will also be passing them along so everyone else gets fat and not us.

They look yummy don't they? You know you are all running for some chocolate right now! I will start to use color icings and non chocolately stuff. My hopes is to become decent enough to make my husband a cake for his 40th next year. I plan on making the entire thing black. Evil aren't I.

Here are some pictures of Damien enjoying his

And here are some 2 month pictures of Ava who couldn't partake in a cupcake yet:

I had all of these ideas...

2008-02-19T15:42:00.003-05:00

...in my head and then I found this blog and website and well I lost myself in the thought of cupcakes. If you are lucky enough to live in CA near her I would definitely try these. Nothing But Cupcakes I know you are wondering how I found that one. I haven't been sleeping very well and was tweaking my fancy new blog and still couldn't get tired so I sat here just hitting the next blog button.

I need a life, or therapy or something. Besides that fact, I am now on a cupcake mission. Since I can't go to CA or have CA come to me I want to try to recreate some of the flavors she has listed on her website. I'm hoping in the long run I can become a decent baker so I have something to do with my children on a rainy day and give them those sweet memories that children have of their mothers baking and of course so I can eat cake.

Ironically enough this stems from the episode of "In Treatment" I saw last night. It's a show on HBO that depicts therapy sessions between a jerk of a psychologist who's in therapy himself and his patients. Last night he had a woman on that was remembering the smell of cheesecake her mother used to bake every Friday and she would come home to that smell and it made her all warm and fuzzy inside. When her mother first passed away she would go searching for the smell hoping it would still be there. Made me want to release my inner domestic goddess for a bit and give my kids the warm and fuzzies.

New Blog - Whoopie.

2008-02-18T16:33:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I finally set up my blog and stole a bunch of ideas from Steph - Thank you by the way even though you had no clue. I decided to vier away from any type of mommy theme or kitschy environment so when something weird pops into my head and I need to comment on it it doesn't throw off my feng shui. I will be keeping my OD account so I can keep up with those of you still writing entries there. I just felt a little confined there. I don't really know why. I'm sure it's just a mental thing. Hope you like it.