Matters of the Grey

Getting Better

2009-06-20T09:25:00.002-04:00

Other than both my kids being sick with slight fevers this past week and being a little crankier than usual everything is getting better. I have seen improvement in Damien's behavior which started about 4 days after the medication. I can't go by the last couple of days because of this virus he has but it is crankiness and not opposition so I can deal with it. Ava was cranky as well with a fever and she has 3 teeth coming in strong. One of them is just starting. I can't wait for them to cut through to give the poor kid a break.

On the getting better side Damien is laughing and smiling more. He plays more with more imagination and creativity and he asks for things instead of demanding. I didn't realize how unhappy and negative he was until he wasn't anymore. Ava spent the first full night in her toddler bed last night. We tried it in the beginning of the week but she woke up with a fever so my husband brought her back into our bed. I definitely think he was a little sad for her to go into her bed and misses her more than I do. As much as I loved her little warm butt tucked up next to me I wanted my bed back. She did very well and only woke up twice looking for me but then went right back to sleep. She was just checking to make sure we were still there.

Our new puppy will be coming home around the middle of August. I'm so excited yet nervous because I don't remember how to raise a puppy. You would think I would remember but 7 1/2 years and to kids later I seem to need a refresher course. I'm sure it will come back to me. The advances in the food are amazing. I think I'm going to due Natures Variety raw and instinct diet. I had to warn my husband that if he sees a hamburger patty defrosting in the refrigerator not to eat it before asking what it is. It's a little on the expensive side but after buying food for 2 huge dogs I think it evens itself out or is even cheaper. We decided to name him Parker. Now I just have to sit down and make a list of everything I'm going to need and do some shopping!

Just Great

2009-06-11T06:46:00.002-04:00

The last few weeks have been just plain awful and todays about to get even worse. It 's got nothing to do with me either. Other than the things I've been dealing with I've been feeling great with respect to my OCD and anxiety.

First let me start of with Damien. After a few episodes at school and a discussion with his teachers we took Damien to a child psychiatrist. I felt, for sure, that he also has some type of anxiety disorder considering both of his parents have it. It turns out that he has ODD with stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The big clues were that he refuses to potty train, take naps and has issues with authority figures. Yes he too is now on medication. I feel like such a failure. You can't help it. After looking it up I realized (and so did the doctor) that we were doing everything to text book accuracy in respect to dealing with the issue but nothing was working. Please don't think we are doing this to be lazy and not do more work with the issue. We are doing this to have a happy child. How can a child be happy saying no and being negative towards everything. Not to mention the issues that he would have as he becomes older and probably never graduating from highschool because of this. He would never be able to hold a job because he would never be able to work for anyone. What will happen when his peers suddenly have roles of authority in his life. I know to someone on the outside of this it sounds ridiculous but when your child refuses to hold your had in parking lots and runs into traffic you start to rethink things. I'm not a fan of the medication thing and I even refused medication for myself for quite sometime but I couldn't live with the consequences of not stopping this behavior early before even more serious issues occur. I have seen terrible parents wind up with wonderful children so it can't just be bad parenting. I am not covering anything up or making things easier for me, believe me I still have to deal with normal parenting issues. He's not a little zombie or robot that just does what he is told. He's starting to turn into that bright, funny, sweet little boy that I know that's in there.

On to more bad news. A few weeks ago I had to euthenize Eve and Magilla. Eve had a huge tumor growing out of her eye. Four days after it started from a pimple size it increase to larger than golf ball size. They kept telling me it was allergies or an infection but after years of treatments and antibiotics it was apparently not what it was. Magilla also had issues of vomiting after every meal and urinary issues. Keep in mind that this has been for 4 years straight. This last time he had a really bad UTI. I gave him medication then had him on a course of Cosequin and natural maintenance for it for over 3 months. He then starting urinating on all of my childrens toys, clothes, bedding and all over my kitchen counters. My last option was prednisone which basically would have destroyed his liver in about 6 months.

If that isn't enough I've notice strange behaviors in my dogs which can only be described as depression. My one just nervous easily and I can't explain it exactly but is just not herself. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed that they were starting to become a little cranky with each other and had a couple of little spats. Then a couple of days ago they had a little fight and teeth marks were involved. Yesterday they had such a huge fight that my FIL and BIL came rushing over from next door because they thought the dogs were fighting a bear and heard me yelling. My children witnessed it and became hysterical and now my son is terrified. He is already afraid of them and won't walk past them even though we have shown that he won't be hurt by them. Do I wait until they rip each other apart in front of my children? They were fighting over me, which was one of the triggers the last time as well. They are 7 year old pitbulls and the idea of rehoming them is almost ridiculous. Who is going to take them. I already had an appointment with the vet for their yearly exam which is now turning into something devastating. Call me Hitler because I feel like an evil, awful, not even human being.

I am so stressed out right now I can't even see straight. Please don't judge me too harshly because no one can do that more than I'm doing it to myself right now.

Ants in My Pants

2009-05-27T06:12:00.002-04:00

That's what I feel like lately. I'm only slightly obsessive but very restless lately and sometimes I can't focus on what it is I need to do. I don't know if it's because I can't decide or I just don't realize that I'm obsessing and I'm stuck. It's not that bad but just enough for me to notice. At least now I'm able to work through it quickly.

On the potty training front that has, unfortunately, stopped. After 15 accident and realizing that he did not care that he was sitting in his own poop and pee, I figured he just was not ready. About a week later he was constipated and went and sat on the potty and pooped all by himself. I think at least the concept had been introduced. It wasn't just the accidents but more the fact that I couldn't handle it any more thanks to OCD and control issues. I was making him act out because I was a little crabby and angry. It took about a week to get him back to normal (and me) My son is extremely sensitive to my behavior apparently. I still see some problems and I even got a call from the school. He seems to have authority issues and will be seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation. I think he may either have OCD as well (it comes from both sides of the family) or he could just be a victim of bad parenting. I just want to do whatever I can so he can become a healthy adult and not waste all of his time fixing himself after the fact.

I look back and see all of the time and opportunities I wasted. I did speak to someone when I was in college. Actually I went and saw two different doctors at two different times and no one caught that there was something wrong. They accounted it to be that I was just was lazy in school or everything had to do with my mother and brother dying in the car accident. I don't deny that had some to do with it but obviously that was not my only issue. I really hope my children don't have to go through that as well.

Mommy takes the prize.

2009-05-14T07:00:00.002-04:00

My son refused to let me change his diaper yesterday so I asked him, "What would you do if there were no more diapers?" to which he replied, "I would use the potty". Oh really! Well that is all I needed to hear because off came the diaper and into the garbage. We did save some for the night time but that's it. No more diapers and I just don't care anymore. Really I already have to clean up poop and pee and I have all wood floors. I have a couple of inexpensive area rugs and a spot bot bissle compact carpet cleaner so I am good to go.

I took off his diaper and just let him walk around naked. He cried for about an hour. He went to the bathroom and twice asked me to come in with him. I walked out both times after 15 minutes because he wasn't doing anything. I put the baby down for a nap and left him on the couch watching something on tv, hoping he would take one as well and hopped on my computer for some kid free zone time. It got very quiet and I didn't even know he wasn't on the couch until he came out of the bathroom and said mommy I pooped on the potty! I checked and sure enough there it was, a big poop in the potty. You would have thought I won a billion dollars. I immediately called the school and without hesitation she said bring him in underwear tomorrow. They were just as excited as I was.

Of course then I put him in underwear and he peed on himself. Not a lot so maybe it was a little accident but I don't care I realize this is my only option left.

Meeeedication now - come on! (sing in tune with the song "Celebration")

2009-04-29T09:20:00.002-04:00

So I have been on medication now for 2 1/2 weeks I think and I have been feeling fabulous. I can't help but think am I manic now or is this how normal people feel for the most part. I am happy most of the time. I wake up happy and smiling and I go through my day smiling. No more fits of anger for no reason and I am calm and patient. Life is great. I still have some social anxiety. I walk around feeling like I'm a big dork most of the time but hopefully that will lessen in time. Well I still might actually be a big dork but I would like to become oblivious to it.

There was a fiasco about the medication just the other day. There's nothing like a shrink making his patient feel crazy. I refilled one medication for the 3rd time and the other two medications a second time. He increased my dosage at a previous session and then needed to prescribe more at this last one. However in his head he was calling it one medication and writing it out for another. When I picked up the prescription this time he had written it out for what he was calling it. Confusing right? Not as confusing as me trying to explain the mistake to him, the pharmacist, and the receptionist at the shrinks office, who was I think the root of the problem. I wish I could pull the "conversation log" out of my head so you could see, how the people trying to help me, were actually making me seem crazier than I am. Everything is now correctly prescribed and the pharmacy even took back the medication.

Okay, I'm off to start the rest of my day - with a smile!

Well Now...

2009-04-14T11:17:00.002-04:00

Ava is completely weened. We had one night of hyperventilating, the next night she passed out on the way home from a friends house in the car, and the third we had a little bit of her smacking me on the boobs for a few minutes but she got the idea it wasn't happening. So yesterday I had a revaluation for medication with the psychiatrist. At first he was going to put me on Haldol because I told him one of my compulsions was plucking my eyebrows but he confused that with me having the need to pull out hair. I had to explain to him that I was obsessed with making my eyebrows look perfect to obsessed with the actual pulling out the hair. Instead he gives me some other anti psychotic medication and a sleeping pill for night time and an anti depressant for the daytime. How nice, I'm a lunatic. I know that these medications have proven helpful with OCD but the prescription information lists a lovely concoction of uses. The psychiatrist then tells me "we'll start with these and add on if we need to" WTF!!!??? How freaking crazy am I? I know I'm only moderate and I really want to get better but part of me feels like a failure needing the medication. Well we'll see how it goes. It's really the only thing I can do.

No Damien is still not potty trained. His poor teachers try every day he's there, as well, to no avail. I have "that" kid. I would like all the people that have given me their horror stories because they have made me feel better and assured me I'm not the only one. To all of those who say "Really? Are you doing this, this and that? My child was potty trained the day he turned 18 months!", go fuck yourselves. Luckily there are very few of those people.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday.

Feeling Better

2009-03-23T10:29:00.002-04:00

Had my appointment and made a couple more, thank goodness. I'm glad I got to talk everything out because just as I expected in the back of my mind I just slightly overreacted. Apparently my son is very intelligent, manipulative, controlling and VERY strong willed. She said that empathy and sympathy start to be formed right around now but if I am that concerned to just keep an eye on him. She asked me several questions that led me to believe I indeed once again was overreacting. It's all because I think I'm a terrible mother but that is getting better as well.
Saturday we did an active potty training day which resulted in him sitting on the toilet for about 5 1/2 hours. For the most part he did this willingly. Don't get me wrong he got to stand up and walk around but I knew the second I put the diaper on him he would go. He held it in and only had a little pee. As I said VERY strong willed. During this time my little girl pooped on the potty. Just great. It was a little bit of luck and she is in no way ready to be potty trained but I don't think she is going to give me a big fight about it. Potty training is a huge controlling force for him and he will just not give it up. Yesterday I was able to get him first thing in the morning to pee. He held it in for about 1/2 an hour and finally peed a little bit. I had no intentions of another 5 hour battle so that was it for the day. Instead we made him change his own diaper. He has to take off his pants dump any solids into his potty, wipe his own behind, flush and then put his own diaper and clothes back on. I'm hoping he gets tired of doing all of that and finally just decides he is ready. Of course, I hope I don't have the child that can't go to Kindergarten because he is 6 and still not potty trained. I know that it has prevented him from moving up to the next class which is sad but I just don't know what else to do.

But I'm not in that dark sad mood anymore. I'm chalking it up to hormones. I've been keeping track of how PMS and my period affects my mood so I can be more proactive and less reactive about things. Really, how dorky did that just sound LOL!

Off the Grid

2009-03-20T09:46:00.003-04:00

Well I have fallen off the grid for a while. I've had a whirlwind of things going on some good, some bad and some very very confusing. Lot's of birthdays and reunions, brunches and parties. I've managed to still keep the pounds from coming back even though my eating habits have been very naughty. I guess that means that they weren't as bad as I think.
A couple of weeks ago I completely missed a therapy session. I just forgot, my husband forgot and the office didn't even call me to let me know that I was late. I have the appointments on the same day at the same time booked through until April. Of course it could be that she cancels on me so much it just felt right not to have an appointment. Then of course the following week the office calls to not only cancel my appointment but to also let me know she will no longer be working that night or the next night and will only be working one day and all of my future appointments are canceled. Great. Now you're thinking I should probably go see someone else. I've been seeing her for 5 months. I don't think I have it in me to completely start over again with someone new. The thought of it just drains me. I hate repeating myself and it would really just set all of my progress back. It just sucks. The first appointment I was able to schedule was for the end of April. Great. However, they called a couple of nights ago and told me she was coming in tonight and would I like an appointment. Let's see, wait almost 8 weeks or go now, duh! I desperately need this appointment there is so much going on with not just me but my son as well.
I love my son I really do. Something is wrong with him. He is a difficult child to say the least. I know that I am a terrible mother. I really suck at it and I would love to take full responsibility for his behavior because I know that if I was finally able to figure out what to do right then he would be okay. Outside of the home everyone just loves him. They think he's funny and helpful and charming. At home he is completely defiant, angry and demanding. At first I figured it was due to me and my issues and he acts this way because in some ways I act that way. I was sure it was all me since he never acted this way towards anyone else. Yesterday I received a letter from school, they would have called but lost power. He threw a fit and hit his teacher and carried on for a while afterward all because he didn't get a good seat at snack time. My husband keeps saying it's not that bad and has lead me to believe that I may be over reacting. Well I dread days when I know I'm home all day with my son. I dread picking him up from school I dread knowing that my husband is working late and I'll have to handle him for a couple more hours than expected. I know, I am an awful mother.
I know something is wrong. He's the only child that doesn't get happy to see his parent walk through the door to pick him up at school. Actually he ignores me and the fact that I'm there. It breaks my heart. My son lacks empathy, sympathy, compassion and remorse. He doesn't care that he hurts someone's feelings. I don't think he understands or even cares that he hurts someones feelings. I don't think he understands someone being sad I don't think he has ever been sad. He just gets angry when the situation isn't what he wants. He is very good at saying he is sorry. It sounds very much like he is and he tells me what he did wrong but deep down I don't think he cares. It's almost robotic when he lists the things he did wrong and the effort of saying sorry is not to redeem himself but to get out of the corner or get out of his room.
I don't really know what age they are suppose to understand all of this type of thing but I'm thinking that maybe he should by now. I try to think back to when he was a baby and wonder if there were signs and signals I missed.
Maybe I'm just over reacting as I normally do. I mean he doesn't torture our pets and think of devious ways to hurt his sister, at least not yet. I don't know but as you can see I really need this appointment tonight.

Quickety Quick Update

2009-02-10T18:24:00.002-05:00

For those of you with pre-school ones you may know the show Wow Wow Wubzy. I have no idea why but my son is obsessed with it. Lives for it and wants Wow Wow Wubzy underwear. Of course underwear doesn't mean a hooty hoot if you don't go on the potty. But the title sort of reflects the way some of the things are said on the show. Ya know kickety kick, bigety big and so on.

Things have taken a turn for the better. All of a sudden I have started to really work on myself within the relationship I have with my husband. Up until now he was my safe place to take my insecurities out on. He's been such a trooper to keep such a high tolerance for my crap. Now we are getting along better than ever thanks to me keeping my evil alter ego chained up.

And sadly, my little princess is a full fledged walker. She has left infancy behind and has officially entered toddlerhood. I know this is also a happy and exciting time but we don't plan on having anymore children and its a little bittersweet to see her move on and grow up. Thank god she is so cute and cuddley. If I couldn't squeeze her and love on her still I think I would be completely heartbroken. Hopefully that doesn't happen until she hits her preteens at least.

Potty Training Woes

2009-01-25T15:38:00.002-05:00

Yes, my son still has yet to be potty trained. He has even said out loud "I am not ready yet". Well that would be fine if the class that he started with in preschool did not move up without him. I was once told "oh don't worry about it yet, there is a boy in the older class that is still wearing diapers" and "wait until he gets to Miss Meghan's class she's very good with that" Well guess what he didn't move up to Miss Meghan's class. All of his class mates that had birthdays between October 2nd and December 31st got moved up. Damien is now in a class where the children are now 6 months or more younger than him. I was told nothing. Not even why they decided to not move him. I guess they thought maybe I wouldn't notice. Due to illness and keeping Damien out of class and then other scheduling I haven't contacted anyone yet. I'm not even mad, I'm heartbroken. First I have to deal with the idea of "what am I doing wrong as a parent" or "I must be a bad mother to have the only child not potty trained" On top of that why did they decide to change the rules for my child. Even my therapist agrees that it is probably not productive to keep a child in a class, in this age group, with children 6 months younger. I know partly he likes the attention of being changed but I wonder if putting more kids in that aren't potty trained going to keep him feeling secure in diapers. Are they going to start over with their lessons now so now he'll be behind intellectually and emotionally? I don't know what to do anymore.

Ava on the other hand is doing wonderful. She can walk but doesn't have the confidence to do it for more than a few steps. And she will potty train by 18 months and it will still be before Damien.

I am not doing so well. I'm pissed at Ken right now because he is kind of nonchalant about the whole issue and that bothers me. He's not even concerned enough to ask questions or even ask who to ask questions too. His answer is to fix it the quickest way possible so I just shut up which means "Well we'll just take him out" Oh yeah, and then what do we do. There is a wait list for most places or they are really crappy places which I wouldn't even send my dog too and then it would disrupt him even more, as he has had enough teacher and class changes in his short two years there. I don't think anywhere else is different in regards to that due to crappy pay. I just feel so lost and alone in the situation without even justification from my husband. You would think he could show just a little concern at least just to make me feel a little better. I don't know what to do now.

Now I have to go apologize for exploding and being mean to him just now. Gotta love anxiety!

I want my TV back! and the biopsy results. (edited from earlier)

2008-12-23T08:54:00.003-05:00

Okay so I've been sitting here since last Monday with no TV. Granted I've been able to get lots of stuff done but now there is nothing to do. I've been half tempted to open some of the kids Christmas gifts to play with. I know that we shouldn't need TV but I would like to watch the news or watch a movie. I think Kung Fu Panda was on ppv. Let's face it, it is also a nice distraction for the little one so I can cook diner without little fingers in the way of flames or knives and I can go to the bathroom by myself. With no TV I must now provide CONSTANT entertainment for my 3 year old which is much harder than it sounds. Remember I still have a 1 year old hanging off of me that needs constant attention too. Okay and so maybe I want to watch some TV too. I'm just looking for half an hour to an hour is that really so bad?

EDITED: Okay so the TV was fixed. Yippie. The biopsy results came back positive for cancer but the good news is that they did not find any cancerous cells in the surrounding tissue so the biopsy itself removed all of the bad cells. So I am okay, a little nerve wracked from hearing that though.

Dark Places

2008-12-18T08:24:00.002-05:00

First let me mention that I am completely hormonal to top everything off. It took me a while to figure out that part of the reason I'm in a bad spot right now is due to PMS. PMS sucks! Now that that is out of the way I'm in a very dark place right now because I think I'm going through a mid life crisis. I feel fat and old and frumpy and I feel used up and done with. I know I know, I'm still only in my 30's and life doesn't end but I feel like there is nothing left to accomplish for me. I feel like it's just too late. Partly it's because I think I've decided that I don't want anymore children. That could change at any moment but right now I feel like I need to live some sort of existence for me as well as them. A very tiny part of me wants to just run away and live like a free spirit. I must get that from my mom. No I'm not that selfish I would just get up and leave my husband and children but now you see why for me this is a dark place. Just to entertain this thought scares me. How could I be such an awful person to even think this. But where did I go. What happened to all those wasted years of who I could have been. Oh yes I was young and stupid and I wasted a whole shitload of time and now I can never have it back. Of course I don't want to go back and do it over again and be that person. I want to go back with all of the knowledge I have now. See, midlife crisis earlier than expected. I'm hoping as the PMS subsides so will all this awful feeling of shame and regret.

This is also why I always feel like I'm going crazy. On the outside if you were sitting down with me having coffee or something you would never in a million years know this was going through my head. I keep it all in and look perfectly normal but on the inside it's like a tornado trampling through my brain driving me crazy. In case any of you are wondering, yes I have therapy tonight and not a moment too soon!

Where's Waldo

2008-12-08T11:34:00.002-05:00

I have been so behind on everything lately. If there was a time to get really sick this was definitely NOT it. Thanksgiving was great until I woke up at 2 am with chills and a 104 fever that lasted for 3 days. Then it went down and right back up again to 102. something. By Tuesday I finally could lift my head and now I'm doing great. For almost a week straight I had no strength to do anything. I could barely sit up. At least this time I didn't get Bell's Palsy. My face still has not completely recovered from the last time. I really miss my smile. I had my godson's 5th birthday on Saturday and it just doesn't stop until after Christmas.

Anyhow now that I'm behind I have to catch up on all of my computer things, make ornaments for my tree (I thought paper things would be safer this year), get ready for Ava's party on Saturday (will make sure to get pictures of her very red Chinese New Year theme), finish Christmas shopping, wrap gifts, go to therapist (she keeps canceling due to illness), go get biopsy from derm, make dentist appt., get mammogram, get rabies shot for cats, celebrate Christmas again on the 27th, New Years, and then just anguish until spring so I can play golf again. Anyone else exhausted. I'm sure there are a bazillion more things that will come up in the next week or two oh yes I forgot, I have a doctors appointment for Ava during all this as well. It's only 2 weeks. Okay now my head is spinning and I'm slowly starting to freak out, my therapist better not cancel on me tonight, I NEED my session.

So I Went to the Dermatologist Yesterday

2008-11-20T08:56:00.004-05:00

I really went because I'm very hormonal and my skin is freaking out. Mostly with pigmentation not acne. This is the first time I'm not going to the dermatologist for acne, gosh I'm getting old. Apparently the doctor felt the same way and started rattling off suggestions of retinoids, botox and restalyn. Well I can't do any of the above since I'm still nursing but I did come home with a prescription of some type of cream used for rosacea that will help my dispigmented face. Let me tell you, my skin looks quite pretty this morning. I did have a full body scan for sun damage and I didn't expect anything, big mistake right there, and he found a spot that has to be removed. Just one and his reaction was immediate. I didn't really expect anything to be found and, me, with all the thoughts going around in my head, never added skin cancer to the list. I am still in denial and haven't considered it. I'm sure after they biopsy it, it will come back negative.

I also had my yearly gyno exam. I have to start mammograms now. When did I get to this age. I feel like I was just 16 yesterday. Where does the time go. I guess you waste so much time trying to find out who you are, by the time you do you're all saggy and hanging on the floor and you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

Huge Breakthroughs

2008-11-14T10:19:00.002-05:00

I guess it helps that I have always been extremely introspective and aware of everything I do. It's part of the beating myself up process as well but ironically it has helped me. My therapist had me focus on my anger the past two weeks. I was to acknowledge what the triggers were and what actually physically happens to me when I get angry. Well there are two triggers. One is fear. Fear brings on panic attacks. I stop the panic attacks by getting angry. I had one of these and realize that what did happen and what could have happened are two different things (genius I know) and that I shouldn't get angry over what did NOT happen. HUGE. I was able to stop the anger. The second is my control issue/self deprecating anger. This one is the tougher one. This is were something doesn't happen the way that I have it pictured in my head. Subconsciously I believe it is because it was something that I failed at because I just can't do anything right and I will never be perfect enough to gain control of myself. It's a little hard to explain. It's not really the loss of control that bothers me it's really the idea that things didn't go the way they were expected to because I did something wrong. This is what I was told basically in those words by my parents. I'm actually kind of glad that I blame myself instead of others because if it were the other way around I would believe that there was nothing wrong with me and never gotten myself into therapy. See HUGE!

The second anger however is different because I feel this surge of adrenaline and I grab onto it. It is a drug for me. Even though I know I don't want it my body needs it. I feel the welling up of rage and it feels good even though it doesn't realistically (confusing I know). The anger allows me to punish myself and hurt myself because I'm really angry at just myself not at the person (husband) that I'm unleashing my anger on.

I was put to the "test" by my mother in law just yesterday before my session. I realized before I could get angry that she wasn't saying certain things to offend me personally (translated in my head as "I must not be worthy enough for her to recognize or accept my idea or opinion") but because she has her own issues going on inside her own head that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I felt the anger rush and was able to just let it go. Oh my god, you have no idea how ecstatic, happy, amazed and proud of my self I am.

I've always been an angry person and I've always hated it. I realize now that anger is my compulsion. I thought it was a really defective personality flaw but now I know it is something I can conquer. Told you, HUGE. My therapist recognized that I have been working really hard and believes that I will be successful in defeating the OCD beast. I just want to be the person I have always dreamed of being

Snow, Spiders and Shelves Oh My!

2008-11-02T14:14:00.017-05:00

What to start with first. Let's start with the snow that New Jersey received on October 28, 2008. Yes October. Now this may be normal for other states but not for New Jersey. We had over 6 inches of snow. A few miles north of us had over a foot of snow. They had to close some of the major highways because we just weren't prepared. Here is a picture taken from my front door:

This is just plain wrong! Beautiful but wrong.

Next are the crappy pictures I took in Halloween. I finally learned how to use my camera and apparently I need lessons on how to focus. I can't move that fast to figure everything out and get great shots but oh well I'll have to break out the costumes and do a re-shoot I guess.

Damien as Spiderman

Ava as a spider

The Spider and Spiderman together

The Spider Witch and the Bug

And here is what happen when I turn my back for 30 seconds. Mind you the little one instigated this. Is it obvious why the bottom 3 shelves are bare to begin with?

I actually had this post ready 2 days ago but Photobucket and Blogger sometimes do not play well together and it wouldn't put the correct size photos up. It used to work just fine but now I haven't a clue. I found what works though so now I know for next time unless they fix it. I tried in both firefox and IE. Technology sucks.

No Catchy Title Here

2008-10-30T10:41:00.002-04:00

I don't have half a brain left to come up with something witty to title this entry with. Therapy is going well. My therapist actually told me she looks forward to my sessions. Should I take that as a compliment? I've always been very introspective so to a psychologist my progress is amazing. Usually they don't get anywhere in a few short weeks. Apparently I'm doing my therapy backwards but it still works. Most people in my situation start with medication and then work on behavioral therapy. I've pretty much got everything out into therapy so I figure once medication starts voila, I'll be normal. Being angry and fearful all the time really takes its toll on you. My body is wonky right now to begin with due to hormonal changes I'm sure. My face is breaking out like I'm 15 again and my hair is all frizzy. My nails look great all of a sudden though. I'm waiting for my period to come back and you know it will come back with a vengeance during the middle of the day in a crowded place while I'm wearing light colored pants and no available protection. Just you watch, it will happen!

I'm starting to wean my little peanut but it is breaking my heart. I still have a couple more months but then the baby stops and the toddler starts. I don't know now if we will have a third child and it is a little sad. My daughter has started to drink from a sippy cup. It reminds me of scenes from the movie Airplane!, at least I think it was that movie. Someone has a drinking problem and the problem is that liquid doesn't get into their mouth. If you've never seen the movie then I know I've just lost you. Anyhow, she lifts of the cup sucks a whole bunch down and then smiles as it all dribbles back out of her mouth. Doesn't quite have the hang of it but proud of her self none the less.

Just wanted to give a little update. Next post will be pictures of the OVER 6 INCHES OF SNOW we got in OCTOBER. Crazy! And of course pictures of the kids in their Halloween best. I will be going as a witch so sorry no costume for me.

Beating My Head Against the Wall

2008-10-19T08:24:00.003-04:00

Or so I would like to. First let me just say that Ava I believe is teething. She has had a slight fever the past couple of days and is immensely cranky. I feel bad for her because she must be feeling miserable. I was exhausted going to bed on Friday night and actually fell asleep before 11:30 pm. For me that's huge. Of course, I woke up at 4am because I felt that Ava was very warm. Got up gave her medicine and went back to sleep. I slept until almost 9. You would think that I wouldn't be tired. Well I was. 11pm last night I was exhausted again. I just had to stay up to watch the first half hour of SNL. So midnight the baby and I head off to sleep. Poor thing still has a fever and, you can tell just feels crappy. I wasn't able to fall asleep. As tired as I was I couldn't fall asleep. My thoughts have been really bad the past couple of weeks and last night it was just spiraling. I kept drifting off and then a thought, not a dream, would jolt me awake. Finally, just before 2am I fell asleep. Then I woke up a 4 am. No reason just awake. I've never had this problem before. I lay there for an hour with thoughts going through my head again and by 5 am just got out of bed.

I realized how I can truly understand the thought process of what people with other conditions go through. I don't actually want to harm myself but you know how you see the crazy people portrayed on TV or in the movies beating their head against the wall? Well, I realize they do it to stop the thoughts or their thought process. I do know that this doesn't help but some times you start to feel so desperate about losing your mind that you just don't know what else to do. So you succumb to physical solutions.

I am an odd OCD type person. I have many obsessions but very few to no compulsions. I have absolutely no contamination obsessions (most people can identify OCD with this because its the germaphobic person washing their hands all the time). I just have these thoughts of horrific death or my irresponsibility causing death of others and no way to stop or subdue them. I love when people say well just stop thinking about it. Well wouldn't I LOVE to. Much of my thought process has to do with lack of self worth. I didn't even know how much I do not value myself. I have to admit that I have been binging a lot lately. I'm walking a very fine line with bulemia right now. What is stopping me is that I get it. I binge because shoving that disgusting crappy food that I wouldn't normally eat in my face and making myself fat is what I deserve because I "feel" that I deserve to be an ugly fat pig so no one will love me. After the binge you feel so sick physically and mentally at how irrational the binge was and if you perge it it will just make it all go away and you can be normal again. I even understand the people that have a need to cut. You feel all these awful thoughts going through your head and you think physical pain can stop it because you deserve to be hurt because that is all you are worth, you are only worth the pain that you cause other people. You feel this way even if it isn't true.

Keep in mind that I just understand these things not the I want to or will do them. I have a blessed life which actually makes it harder because I feel like I don't deserve it and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't get me wrong I do not walk around all day feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even realize I didn't for worthy. Its mostly subconscious. If you know me in real life you would never ever depict me this way. My main problem right now is brain wiring/chemical imbalance whatever you want to call it. So even though I have had this major break through I am still going to need medication. I am now not afraid of the medication knowing exactly what it is supposed to do for me. It is supposed to keep me from wanting to beat my head against the wall.

A Time to Share

2008-10-04T10:37:00.003-04:00

This is a little weird for me but I wanted to share a couple of links that I shop at. No I don't get anything for giving these links but with the holidays coming if you are looking for gifts these two links are fabulous. No, they are not the cheapest places but they are well worth the money.

The first is the Candy Apple Shoppe. They use these huge Granny Smith apples which I believe they get from the farm across the street. Yes it really is that fresh. My husband has walked out with one made 10 minutes prior. It's not your typical drizzling of toppings. These things are packed! I highly recommend the "Rocky Road"

The second place is Swan Creek Candle Co. I know you are thinking what the heck do I need candles for. These candles are different. Until I purchased one of these from a local store I stopped burning candles all together. These can fill a huge room of scent. They have a bazillion scents and they have refill packages if you have your own candle holders or empty jars. All you need is a microwave. For the summer I really like the Mojito or Sun Bleached Driftwood. For the fall I have Brandied Cherries that I'm burning now. OMG! Yummy! They are Soybean wax and made in the USA and they last forever. I recommend the smaller containers so you can change scents sooner and try them all out. Then when you find the one you can't live without buy a huge one. They also give you a freebie with every order. It looks like they take into account what you've purchased and add a scent you might actually want to try. Very cool.

I almost forgot I'm editing my post to add Etsy. All things handmade and very cool. If you can't find just what you want here then forget it or ask someone yo make it for you!

Anyone have any great ideas or sites they would like to share for gift giving?

Little Martha Washington

2008-09-30T21:39:00.003-04:00

I didn't realize when I picked out this christening gown that she would look so much like Martha Washington. The whole front were these ruffles of eyelet. I thought it was cute. Compared to some of the other gold and organza monstrosities that were there I thought it wasn't too bad. I unfortunately got about 5 pictures because it was a mess. First it was raining and we had to stay in the entryway of the church for over an hour because they were having the Feast of St. Michael and then they finally decided to rush us around back and crammed a lot of very rude family members of 6 babies in a 20 x 20 area. I had the wrong lens on my camera and couldn't stand back far enough to get pictures. With all the rude people rushing the baptismal area with their cameras I was lucky that the godparent's were even part of the ceremony. I was holding Ava and some idiot tried to push me out of the way. They were doing all 6 babies at the same time and the priest almost missed one because she and the godfather were pushed out of the crowd and had no idea what was going on. Luckily another dad and I noticed and made sure he finished blessing her. I'm lucky I was in a church because there was a confessional at the other end that I would need to confess all of the sins I was about to commit.

I know you may think I'm a hypocrite for even considering baptism since I do not go to church or practice any religion and most days I contemplate if god even exists (that's really an OCD thing not an atheist thing) but I figure one, my MIL appreciates it and two, I figure if she wants to practice Catholicism then she has her start. I try not to discuss religion too much. I think it is one of those very personal things that are better left undiscussed in casual settings. I respect, greatly, people that have strong convictions as long as they are not forcing the issue on me. I would never force the issue with any one else.

On to a lighter subject PICTURES all 2 of them I'm afraid. Notice the little "diamonds" in her ears. I got her ears pierced last Thursday. They aren't even red. She didn't cry when her first ear was done and I think that actually put the girl in shock. Then after the second ear she cried about 30 seconds and then nothing. She looks so cute now, not that she didn't before but now I don't have to answer "yes she's a girl". I tend not to dress her in pink that often. I even have a green camo outfit that if it wasn't for the gold threaded "cutie" on the front you would think it was a boys shirt.

In all her Martha Washington greatness

Scatter Brained

2008-09-25T12:54:00.003-04:00

My head is all over the place lately. I'm starting to think I'm bipolar instead of OCD (I'm really just joking here). I have all these ideas and projects in my head now. My friend's first reaction was "great that will keep your mind off of the intrusive thoughts". Well it does but now my mind is focused on things that MUST be done. Now I can't sleep unless I get things accomplished and I'm cranky and my head spins and sometimes I don't even know where to start. I hate this feeling. I am constantly anxious. I don't want to do certain "fun" things like shopping or going out to dinner or just going to the park because I need to stay home and reorganized my closet or paint my library or hang curtains. It feels, physically, like I have had way too much coffee for the day and mentally I'm just spinning. I'm functioning normally on the outside but not too many people see me so I don't have to be normal a lot of the time.

I've chewed my nails off and have become increasingly forgetful because I just can't think straight. I went and picked up paint from the store and leaving the parking lot I hear "Don't Drive, Don't Drive!" from the back of the car. I stop short and my son comes flying up to the front. "Strap Me In, Strap Me In" He bumped his knee but he is okay. I FORGOT to buckle him in. I put Ava-son in the car and buckled her in jumped in the car and took off. I don't know whether to be more thankful that I was going 5 miles an hour in the parking lot, that my son knows the value of being buckled in his seat (ok this I'm really proud of though) or that I didn't leave him outside of the car standing in the parking lot. The thoughts that are going through my head just recounting this episode, ugh.

To top it off I'm freaking out because between now and the end of the year I have a Christening, 5 birthdays, my birthday, my anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all 5 animals going to the vets, 2 new car seats to buy, a few new clothing items because I can't wear sweats to the Christening on Sunday, pictures of the kids oh yeah, and freaking Halloween too. One of those 5 birthdays is my father in law's which is TODAY and I FORGOT it, apparently so did my husband. Okay writing this is making me freak out even more and it's almost making me sick to my stomach.

See, head spinning.

On a good note, everybody is doing well, very happy and my poison ivy completely cleared. And it's officially AUTUMN!!! I can't wait until the leaves turn a little more so I can take some pictures with my newly learned camera skills. Stay tuned for pictures!

Poison Ivy

2008-09-17T11:18:00.002-04:00

Just lovely. I have poison ivy completely covering the right side of my face. At first we were concerned that it was shingles because it is known to affect one side of the face. I could have had a repeat of my Bell's Palsy on the other side of my face from this. Just great. Since I do not have intense pain, fever, or any other symptom of shingles I am pretty certain its just poison ivy. We drew blood to make sure. I just can't figure out why it is only on my face. It isn't on my hands or my legs or arms. I played golf on Sunday and kept thinking how dirty the course was - I was literally covered in a film of dirt and I wiped the right side of my face. It would make a little more sense if my hand and/or arm was covered as well but no just the entire right side of my face. I have one spot on my left cheek but I can't tell if it's just a pimple or not. It started to form on Monday late morning and didn't start itching until today.

I can only figure I must have been very vain in a past life or I have really retarded luck. I vote on the retarded luck. I bet you are all feeling just a little bit itchy now aren't you?

Our Little Fallen Hero - an Ode to Pepper

2008-09-13T10:38:00.003-04:00

Pepper was my SIL's dog. Pepper was not their dog, Pepper was Pepper. He had people status in our family. He was a very quirky husky/chow type mix that was found in my SIL's shed when he was 6 months old. We think someone just dropped him off in the woods. They brought him to the pound with strict instructions that they were to be notified on the seventh day if his owners never came forward. You see, my SIL had been looking into getting a German Shepard and that day was ready to shell out $1500 for a pure bred. Well Pepper was not exactly a Shepard but had the fuzzy coat and coloring like one, so close enough. According to them it was fate. Pepper loved scraps and people food but would never ever touch a cold cut (makes you think twice about eating them yourself) He kept our yards safe from bear and possums and gophers. He greeted everyone at the front door with zest. In public he would lean on you even if he didn't know you or he would literally hug your leg (there was no dominance humping involved just a big ole hug) When he got nervous he would go sit in the shower. No one knows why he chose to go there. We used to joke that he used to see ghosts and the shower was his safe place. My SIL used to have conversations with him and sometimes she swears he was about to say something back. My son used to ask to call them on the phone so he could talk to Pepper. Pepper really was a family member and last night they found a tumor on his heart.

Last night Pepper had to go over Rainbow Bridge and wait for the rest of us. Pepper you were the funniest, quirkiest and most loved dog I've ever met. You will be so missed. When my son calls you on his pretend phone I hope he can hear your love and you his. Know that we all love and miss you.

RIP Pepper 9/12/08

Rain rain go away

2008-09-06T14:28:00.003-04:00

Such an original title I know especially when all we have of the "hurricane" is lots of rain. Unfortunately today was the day hubby was on call for the ER which means he leaves the house late and doesn't get home until midnight. The worst of this storm was supposed to sweep from the west of the state to the east from 3:30 until around 9pm of course when and in what direction do you think hubby is traveling today. So now you all know I will be a nervous wreck with intrusive thoughts of worst case scenario all day. I also have limited things to do with my ACTIVE children. We are already contemplating things to do with our kids during the winter. Looks like we will all be a bit stir crazy today. I'm just hoping the power does not go out. That would just suck royally. No television, no internet, no music (you would think I would have something battery operated but no) NO LIGHTS to really do anything with kids that won't sit still and no way to cook. I may just move into my car. There are lights, a dvd player, radio, drive through for food and most importantly a way to strap the kids in. Please power don't go out!

Shake Your Booty, Shake Your Booty Yeah!

2008-08-19T20:16:00.003-04:00

The title is the little ditty that I sing to my Booger Face to get her to dance when she stands up. If you sing or she sees you dance she does this little dance. I didn't believe it at first but as a parents duty you must experiment with your child and make them do things they don't realize are humiliating until later on in life. The best is when she is holding on to the bars of the gate and scenes of "Chicago" pass through my mind. Snot Nose on the other had has decided that he is not red spider-man or black spider-man or even Peter Parker (yes he refers to himself as Peter Parker, first and last name always) but now he is Damien the Green Gobb-o-lin. And he has also decided that he can fly. He jumps from table to couch to floor. You can only imagine what I'm doing.

Had a bad week mentally. I won't get in to specifics but it was a lot of awful thoughts, a lot of anger and a lot of bitching at my poor husband. My therapy is going well and my therapist is giving me some workbooks to help control my intrusive thoughts and anger. However, she did mention that once I finish breastfeeding I should really consider medication. I don't know how to take that but I agree. Every thing feeds everything else and you can't tell which came first the chicken or the egg. I ache for nights of full rest and laid back days. I just can't stand being this person any more because it's just not me. I know exactly who I want to be when I grow up but I'm having a hard time getting there. If or when I do go on medication I hope they give me something good!