The last few weeks have been just plain awful and todays about to get even worse. It 's got nothing to do with me either. Other than the things I've been dealing with I've been feeling great with respect to my OCD and anxiety.
First let me start of with Damien. After a few episodes at school and a discussion with his teachers we took Damien to a child psychiatrist. I felt, for sure, that he also has some type of anxiety disorder considering both of his parents have it. It turns out that he has ODD with stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The big clues were that he refuses to potty train, take naps and has issues with authority figures. Yes he too is now on medication. I feel like such a failure. You can't help it. After looking it up I realized (and so did the doctor) that we were doing everything to text book accuracy in respect to dealing with the issue but nothing was working. Please don't think we are doing this to be lazy and not do more work with the issue. We are doing this to have a happy child. How can a child be happy saying no and being negative towards everything. Not to mention the issues that he would have as he becomes older and probably never graduating from highschool because of this. He would never be able to hold a job because he would never be able to work for anyone. What will happen when his peers suddenly have roles of authority in his life. I know to someone on the outside of this it sounds ridiculous but when your child refuses to hold your had in parking lots and runs into traffic you start to rethink things. I'm not a fan of the medication thing and I even refused medication for myself for quite sometime but I couldn't live with the consequences of not stopping this behavior early before even more serious issues occur. I have seen terrible parents wind up with wonderful children so it can't just be bad parenting. I am not covering anything up or making things easier for me, believe me I still have to deal with normal parenting issues. He's not a little zombie or robot that just does what he is told. He's starting to turn into that bright, funny, sweet little boy that I know that's in there.
On to more bad news. A few weeks ago I had to euthenize Eve and Magilla. Eve had a huge tumor growing out of her eye. Four days after it started from a pimple size it increase to larger than golf ball size. They kept telling me it was allergies or an infection but after years of treatments and antibiotics it was apparently not what it was. Magilla also had issues of vomiting after every meal and urinary issues. Keep in mind that this has been for 4 years straight. This last time he had a really bad UTI. I gave him medication then had him on a course of Cosequin and natural maintenance for it for over 3 months. He then starting urinating on all of my childrens toys, clothes, bedding and all over my kitchen counters. My last option was prednisone which basically would have destroyed his liver in about 6 months.
If that isn't enough I've notice strange behaviors in my dogs which can only be described as depression. My one just nervous easily and I can't explain it exactly but is just not herself. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed that they were starting to become a little cranky with each other and had a couple of little spats. Then a couple of days ago they had a little fight and teeth marks were involved. Yesterday they had such a huge fight that my FIL and BIL came rushing over from next door because they thought the dogs were fighting a bear and heard me yelling. My children witnessed it and became hysterical and now my son is terrified. He is already afraid of them and won't walk past them even though we have shown that he won't be hurt by them. Do I wait until they rip each other apart in front of my children? They were fighting over me, which was one of the triggers the last time as well. They are 7 year old pitbulls and the idea of rehoming them is almost ridiculous. Who is going to take them. I already had an appointment with the vet for their yearly exam which is now turning into something devastating. Call me Hitler because I feel like an evil, awful, not even human being.
I am so stressed out right now I can't even see straight. Please don't judge me too harshly because no one can do that more than I'm doing it to myself right now.
R2 and T Funnies
1 day ago
3 boosts to my ego:
I wouldnt feel so down about the medication. If its something thats going to help, then its a great option. :) Some people may not agree with medication, but guess what, its not their child. Only you know whats best and Im glad that you are doing whats right for your family. :) Hang in there.
And as far as the dogs go, its sad to see them go, but we all have to say that animals are just that once you have kids. Animals. I tried so hard with our dogs, and I love them all, but they just didnt fit in our lives. Your childrens safety obviously comes before any animal. The fact that they are fighting so viciously, even if they arent meaning to harm anyone, they can still throw a bite out there just because they have tunnel vision while they are so mad. And no one wants that either. I think you do what you have to do, and you move on. Thats all that you can do in life! :) Im sure both of your dogs will be greatly missed, and they were both loved. And it sounds horrible saying it out loud, but give it a couple weeks and you will love having a little less responsibility animal wise. I love and miss my pets, but my life is SO much easier right now without them.
Why on earth would you be judged Dena? You knew that something was up with Damien and you took him for an evaluation and are getting him the help he needs so he can have a happy life. What is there to judge? There's no need to explain yourself. Anyone that judges you for medicating your son needs their head read. You are a wonderful mother and you only have your children's best interests at heart.
As far as the dogs go...you are not a monster. I love dogs, can't wait to have one again when the time is right but they are just that...dogs. Your family's safety comes first every single time and if they are fighting over you then who's to say the jealousy then won't extend to your children? You are smart, I know you wouldn't do anything without knowing it was the right thing to do. It's hard, it's oh so very hard. Putting Nacho down because of his aggression was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Despite a few narrow minded people telling me otherwise I know I did the right thing. He was dangerous and I simply wasn't prepared to let it get to the point where he had to be put to sleep because he had mauled someone. I didn't even have children of my own to think about then and still came to that conclusion.
I'm sorry things are so rough right now but please don't feel like a monster or like a failure of a mother. I know it's hard. I question myself all the time as to what it is I did so wrong to have both my children with life threatning allergies but you can't let yourself dwell on it. It is what it is and you deal with it the best way you can and make steps to ensure that your child has a happy, normal as possible life.
Well Melissa & Carmen said exactly what I was going to say... they just said it more eloquently. ;P I'm so glad you have a 'diagnosis' for Damien. It's worse when you're not quite sure what is going on. At least you know what he's going through and are taking steps to help him. IMO it would be worse to just let it go. So I'm all for medication.
I'm sorry to hear about your dogs but I understand what you're saying and how you feel. I think you need to do what is best for your family and their safety. Do NOT feel guilty about that.
Hope you have a good weekend. Hugs.
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